well we are back.

i thought about just saying that and nothing else, that might be kind of funny. but i am story-helper...so it just wouldn't be me.

i just finished reading a lengthy forward from nancy, and i am not quite sure what to make of it. my mind is not feeling so sharp at the moment, though it keeps insisting i need to read a few paragraphs over again.

i will come back to that.

i was home. she was with me.

i could not have done it alone, just couldn't make the drive...couldn't listen to my mom with all her good intentions...couldn't face the night.

and you ask why? ha

you have never been to the land where i come from then. or you don't see/feel the things i do. the things that make tears well up behind your eyes and make your hair stand on end. the gnarly slick things that stand at the kitchen door and hiss with open mouths. the things that have chased and taunted me...the things that i (yes, scared little old me) used to stand up to and defy. but the me now is a bit different, a bit broken, and they sense that like the predators they are. yet through any guise of fear, there is a stream of cast iron running through me and no one need ever forget that.

these are the things that can only be chased away with happy thoughts. and no, this is not neverland...though funny that i ended up drawing that all over my bedroom walls. well...not funny really, but sort of.

but with all that...the past, the darkness, the bloodlust, everything...

i saw the twinkle in my daddy's blurry eyes for a while.

i saw stars and enough trees to make you cry and beg on bended knee to never return to the smoggy city.

i saw my home...and i got the ultimate joy of showing it to someone else.

i got to sit outside shooting the shit, smoking and drinking beer with my best friend, her "too smart for his own good" brother, and the person who holds my heart.

gods, what more could anyone want?

at that moment....nothing.

so we thought maybe sierra would be leaving us...but she is back, and i am glad because i didn't like that lady much.

we saw donkeys...she smiled...and she got to ride trigger, who is a nice gaiter standing over 17 1/2 hands. i got stuck with boo...and though we tried to catch up, it just didn't work. hehehe i heard word that maybe we should venture back down for the trail ride. hester still has some work to do with rose, since she wants to gentle her down enough for her mom to ride again. i want to see wilma jean on a horse something awful. oh dear.

fred is not dead, talon is playing on the table, the dogs are sleeping and my head is busting open at the seams.

we rode the ranch front side to back today and found my daddy before we left. he hugged her. she has no comprehension of what that means. shit, my dad doesn't even hug my mom anymore. he hugs me and his sisters and the grandkids. so yeah, i would say he liked you. my hill is still there....the one where i will build my house one day.

i could say so much...prattle on forever and a day about all that is running through my head...and part of me wants to, and part of me wants to scour this house, and part of me wants a bath, and part of me wants to just go to take some pills and sleep.

i imagine the latter will win out in the end. nothing tires me out like going home. plum wore out. that is me.

i have courderoy overalls...i dunno if they fit. i will try them on and be right back. SWEET!!!! they fit, they fit!! well....i think they fit. i will have to ask for the second opinion. afterall, you are the one who has to look at me.

i want an orange kitten. i have a blue ball.

she found my granny's box. it has my pa's stuff in it and mom gave it to me. she also found my marbles...i have my marbles back.

i want a new direction for my life. that was my realization the other night, sitting with her and my mom talking about work and shit. i am not okay with the options i have...i want new options, other options. reshuffle the deck. roll the dice again. i want a DO OVER!

i am listening to the tracy song jenna claims as her favorite...the one that hurts me to listen to, only because it is so fitting.

"There are locks on the doors

And chains stretched across all the entries to the inside

There's a gate and a fence

And bars to protect from only God knows what lurks outside

Who stole your heart left you with a space

That no one and nothing can fill

Who stole your heart who took it away

Knowing that without it you can't live

Who took away the part so essential to the whole

Left you a hollow body

Skin and bone

What robber what thief who stole your heart and the key

Who stole your heart

The smile from your face

The innocence the light from your eyes

Who stole your heart or did you give it away

And if so then when and why

Who took away the part so essential to the whole

Left you a hollow body

Skin and bone

What robber what thief

Who stole your heart and the key

Now all sentiment is gone

Now you have no trust in no one

Who stole your heart

Did you know but forget the method and moment in time

Was it a trickster using mirrors and sleight of hand

A strong elixir or a potion that you drank

Who hurt your heart

Bruised it in a place

That no one and nothing can heal

You've gone to wizards, princes and magic men

You've gone to witches, the good the bad the indifferent

But still all sentiment is gone

But still you have no trust in no one

If you can tear down the walls

Throw your armor away remove all roadblocks barricades

If you can forget there are bandits and dragons to slay

And don't forget that you defend an empty space

And remember the tinman

Found he had what he thought he lacked

Remember the tinman

Go find your hear and take it back

Who stole your heart

Maybe no one can say

One day you will find it I pray "

there is so much unspoken between hester and i. so much that you might think there is a gulf, but there isn't. richie just gets drunk and talks more than his little sister. and me, well i always talk too damn much.

we sat out beneath the light the other night and smoked and talked and watched the field...and an old poem kept running through my head.

"Leaving tracks in a world of snow,

But they don't show the way to go.

Beating a path tread before,

Stumbling through the signs of war."

lame ass poetry...but that is how i have been feeling. i am ready for a change of scenery. i have a little time left before all hell breaks loose, and i want to fill it with different things. i want to find something i can do that doesn't drain me to the point of no return...something better.

i want to hold your hand a while too. and i'll stick metal wherever you want if'n you'll let me. i am almost smiling through this headache and being wore out. i can't say thank you enough for going with me...you just have no idea.

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