through the woods...
2002-10-29 ~ 3:42 a.m.

back again...been to bed already...hopeless pursuit...

thinking of things, many things...

the quick rabbit chit and chatter...the thigh riding flowing deeper waters...

tango twisting singing songs of orange crush - ed truth...

moved over in out through me fast, fast lightening. streaking presence eternally in the afterglow of your stars...

my eyes keep seeing the red glow of tail lights every time i close them...

farther and farther away...but, this time, i am not afraid.

drove home listening to sarah tonight (cause my other cd has been permanently relinquished)...it has been a while.

"adia" still makes me want to cry...driving back to potter city from the funeral home with hester to go and get drunk

"black and white" still makes me think about times of talking and back rubs...and single roses...and being dapper...reckless...enchanted by it all

i haven't liked this journey much, but i wouldn't have traded the highlights for anything...and from the shadows i have learned hard but needed lessons.

and in all self scrutinization...i am better for it.

in other news...

tonight, for the first time in years, i seriously thought about going back to nursing school. it came up in the conversation and she really got me thinking about it. there were so many reasons i decided against pursuing it after spending years in the classes. and aside from moving to fort worth, i can't remember a single one.

yet looking back over transcripts, it seems my decision was already made. in addition to the required nursing classes i took time for every history and writing class that school offered.

upon moving to fort worth, i never took another nursing class...another science class even. i focused solely on writing and literature classes...then...

ah...then there was a breakup and i had to move and get my ass a job.

a big lesson learned.

and then came the call center life...the life of a tech, the life of a mentor, a team lead...(dammitt...i created that fucking position!) and then a manager....errrr, supervisor. whatever.

and what a road it has been...

the main reason i like my job? because they pay me...errr, because i am good at it. i am good at being a manager, though there were times i sucked...i was still really good. i liked that. it is what kept me going at work...where i will be again, soon. i wonder about ops management and how long i want to stay there.

we talked about loyalty tonight...she is loyal to her boss. that is what my goal always was. and i know for a fact that i had the highest retention rate of any of us. yes, i think i just might stay here a while longer...

if we get "new business" and a little job security of course.

i must say...i saw the funniest, saddest ad on forbes.com...i think? anyway...all it said was "dude, where's my job?"

of course, i am actually not worried at all...i have a lot of contingency plans. i always do.

but if i have many more evenings thinking about things like this one...maybe nursing school will have to be added to my list. or maybe i could actually sit down and write something...use a little of that "formal education"...

i despise this feeling. every time i try to decide what i want to do, there is an argument to beat all inside...too many things to do and be and see. my eyes are swimming with the possibilities and demands.

what a foggy whirly interesting day this has been, indeed.

i wrote something once about watching the leaves carvings circles in the wind and feeling so removed from it all...so misplaced. standing on a familiar road on a night like this, but with a brisk wind...just staring at leaves...and feeling. then the void.

and now, 8 years later...

if i saw that same scene, i would be enthralled with the spinning whirling motion of fall colors caught up in the motion of something far more powerful...

and tomorrow...you might catch me running through the woods streaking paleness...

good night, again...

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