drizzling rain...
2002-10-28 ~ 10:41 p.m.

i smile at things that are predictable...

you watched her walk by, i watched your eyes move along the outline of her body brimming with lust...and i smiled. hell, if i didn't wear a halo...i might have ordered shots just to give you a show. a little something to take home with you, tucked neatly away in the "women on women" category of your inner porn file...

oooooh....an update, hold on to your shorts!!

anyway...i just had a really nice time. it was nice, good talk, no drama, cold beer and appetizers...

it was raining outside, driving home the streets were slick, backspray from tires flying in to the window...

i was not afraid. i was not incomplete.

these things are more valuable than gold. do you take them for granted?

i would say more but i promised i would keep some things to myself, and i will.

it was not awkward or complicated...just a good time.

so, thank you...though you don't read this.

as for the trainer...she called at 11 this morning, no shit. i, twisted up tightly in sheets and sleep, struggled with the phone only to answer 'hello' with the voice of a habitual smoker...so perhaps we will do something this week, she is thinking wednesday. i said i would call her back and fully intend to do so...because i am nice like that. but i forgot to do it today. there were other things going on.

and i know, for a fact, that this was a distraction...because i did not go to the bank, i did not ship my packages...i am a loser.

*sigh*

oh well, i am over it.

tomorrow i have a play date with a willow. we shall sit in the floor and play barbies or video games...i will feed her large quantities of sugar and we will giggle...because i get to be "aunt carla"...yeah!!!!

and you are just dying for a mouse and snake update, eh? well, this cat says "meow"....and that is it.

oh...wait, glenn had a question about a previous entry...

"and just how did you gain the knowledge about the 'no sex on the pool table' rule at the bar?"

yeah...well, see...if i had been able to get my feet on the floor none of it would have been needed. i am not looking to be slimed, thank you very much. as it was...i somehow found myself bent backwards and down until i was laying on the table and this other woman who we will call "snake" was very much on top of me with her falsified dick trying to posture. and our eyes never wavered...so what the barback thought was "sexual activity" was, in fact, quite the opposite. we were sparring off in an interesting match where there are no teams or sides.

as i tried to explain tonight, without sounding odd...considering the circumstances...she is not my type. i have no other way to put it. the snake and i are much alike...and have immense fun posturing. hell, we are dangerous. but i do not want to be slimed. no.

the conversation tonight was good, at times unexpectedly so. i am not sure what i had in mind, but it was a good thing i think.

and now i am sitting here...knowing i have so much to get done, and knowing that i will end up fucking around and getting none of it done...

and on that note...i am thinking a bath sounds really good...

got any distractions for sale? i am buying in bulk...prepearing for the long cold months ahead...

speaking of...i am thinking if the weather holds a bit longer that the first fire of the year will be taking place very soon. yes indeed.

i must go to bed early tonight...my schedule is all wacked again. and all of this...stuff, makes me tired.

there are things i want to say...

things i realized in the course of conversation...

one of those things is that the friends who are still with me, who still give a damn even when i am a bitch...love me without judgement and that is why i value them so.

and now, in the course of meeting new people and getting out of the house...doing this thing they call "a life"...i have a problem. i have mentioned it but not admitted what a hang up it is for me. because...what do i say, really? right now, it is all shallow...but what if?

let's see...short version:

for the last year, i have been suicidal, agoraphobic, and severely depressed. i have starved myself and cut myself and hated myself. it is only within the last few weeks/month that i have gotten out of the house to do stuff for fun completely on my own. i own american tourister, yeah...the baggage company. *smile*

and the longer version:

i have as many cognitive distortions as i do imaginary friends. i have not had a bad life, hell...i have had some incredible times, but some shit has happened that changed me forever. repeated sexual abuse, rape and the obscenely large number of deaths i have seen makes it hard to look in a mirror sometimes. and though i was a poor specimen even then, when ashley was shot and pulled from her car and forced to experience the same things my nightmares are about...and then she was shot and left there, dead. that it did something to me...something profoundly shattering. i begged for it to be me, for it to be me laying there dead and violated...not her. some days i still do pray for it. because sometimes it is just that hard to figure out why i am here, all broken and fucked up, and she isn't. how does one begin to explain the bendings of iron bars that grief can wrench? how does one explain that after so much, you lose it and it all falls apart no matter how hard you try to keep it together? and when it does...you are left snivelling and wretched, feeling your feelings for real and being consumed by an angry fire. that instead of doing that, it is easier to starve yourself or grab anything with a point and rake it down your arm or thigh...waiting for the sting and the blood to jar you back. and that one day, you slowly to start wake up from it...and it takes time, but you slowly start to do things and establish healthy boundaries and have a life.

and that is where i am.

it is not a pretty place, but i am redecorating.

so...which one do i go with?

*lining up shots*

for the first time in years...i can see the light and i recognize the ground.

so...now that i am feeling all fucked and crazy in the head-like...how are you?

why not sign the damn guestbook and tell me??

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