eat more bananas...
2002-10-30 ~ 3:29 a.m.

i am really tiring quickly of this...

i do not need your motherfucking chat room drama, good grief...i accidentally clicked on the link...and if you are actually reading this? well, whatever.

i don't care anymore...

bah...

with that out of the way...

i had quite the day!

today i kept a willow. i was driving (37 mph) to mcdonalds, down frankford...and realized i had a car seat in my explorer, with a little kid in it. who was waving to everyone and saying on repeat..."boo you"...

we stopped at a convenience store and spoke to everyone there. we also looked at every poster on the windows.

we then proceeded to mcdonald's, where we ordered a chicken nugget happy meal with a special hello kitty toy and a pepper coke. yes.

we sat in the area roped off for parents and children...she ate fairly well, with much of the same tactics i recall from my own childhood..."just two more bites..." and then she climbed and played and played...

and i sat there feeling so unnaturally "suburbanish"...it was surreal. i watched parents with their kids...i thought about having kids. i am guessing i will know when i am ready.

i called comrade and mouse...trainer called me...and then i got blown off, apparently. *smile* and you know, i am thinking...if i had seen that little show...i would have called any one of us. i am telling you...damn idiots.

i spent the evening in a blur of 3 year old action with the conversation revolving around colors, animal sounds and the "great debate"

"uh uh"

"uh huh"

"uh uh"

"uh huh"

and it never ends....except for the random "boo you"...

it was most fun, all in all...

i talked with a her tonight. i wish there wasn't any weirdness. wish i knew what you wanted. cause the thing is, whatever it is...you got it.

i talked with a comrade tonight, rambled on to her until her ear fell off and she had to go to bed...

and you know what, i really do respect mouse. tenacity and perserverance are sadly lacking in this world. she has done well, i wonder if she knows it.

well, tomorrow is wednesday...tomorrow is the bar. yes it is a must attend event. according to "the vacation rules" of comrade's unabashed friend.

i have been drinking a lot lately, for me. actually i am drinking like i used to, when i lived in arlington, when i lived in college station, those marked times in my life when i would go out and do things...coincedence? so i will watch it, i need no more vices. but if i nurse it just a little longer, humor me. this time around really brought me to my knees.

and i wonder why my mind won't stay in line these days...

crazy dizzy disco light stand upright swan dive beneath admiring spectacular sunset views

it is like i told comrade...this time around, i am doing things a lot differently...and i am sticking to true form. *baring fangs*

*sweet smile*

so...other stuff...

bessie, you cracked my ass up all the way from houston because you were practically there what with the text message every minute. hell, you talked more than i did...and the whole "parents picking you up"...that was classic...*total high five*

i will also update the quotes page to reflect the recent violations very soon...the quote would be:

"no kitty, no..."

there ya go comrade...it is all out there in black and a very light gray...*beaming a smile*

if you want explanations, there is a leaf for that.

i have no more bowls...*sigh*

i weighed myself today...seven pounds in two weeks...i am guessing that is not so good. *smirk*

i have no idea what to do about my suits...they all need to be taken up...i look like a little kid in my mom's clothes or something. it will have to work for a while...then i shall just go shopping again...screw it.

gotta get my retainer put in...also gotta get rid of the speech impediment.

i talked tonight about trying to explain the last year to anyone...comrade said to not mention it...i tend to agree, but for one small detail. it is pretty important in the scope of things...

i am not sure how it happened, or even why...but i have found an equal measure of shame and validation for the last year of my life. yes, i am ashamed of what i became...what happened...what i did to myself...

and yet it has all served a purpose. as a kid, i did not deserve what happened, as a teenager...i still did not deserve it. my heart breaks for everyone who has lost someone, because i have seen it too many times for this life. i did not give up, i blew apart...ashley's murder just lit the fuse.

but i am already, and will most definitely become a better person for it. i know myself better for it, even the parts i refused to know before. yeah, yeah...growth always comes with growing pains.

apparently i should eat more bananas.

it is way past my bedtime...

...previously... ~ ...next...