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a little rant about things...
2002-11-13 ~ 1:42 a.m.
i think i woke harvey up next door with that...there was a crash, don't ask... no... i am not okay...when am i ever okay? stop asking stupid questions... everything is wrong... just leave me alone. don't take away my knife... don't even look twice at my arms tomorrow... just leave me the fuck alone... *backspace, backspace* wait...where the hell did i think was? *someone needs her meds...* have i mentioned that i hate this? that i motherfucking hate it all... and sometimes we bleed to feel...whether doc gets it or not. "i've got pride...i'm taking it for a ride" lists...i will make a list before i implode... 1. cash check 2. ship dollhouse 3. call hester 4. call jo 5. call the trainer 6. go to the bar and tonight i really am okay, you know. as okay as i ever am...just got carried away. i am sick of loving to no end...i am sick of paying the fees... i am sick of me. and in the morning, when i wake up with all the doors barricaded...holding a knife... everything will still be all wrong, but i will still be here... that was an interesting conversation... and i think it is true. if happiness walked up to you and introduced itself...what would you do? yeah...go ahead, throw it all away. keep waiting for the one "other" thing that will make you happier...keep it up. throw me away while you are at it...to the curb... "i'm not the sort of person who falls... in and quickly out of love. but to you i gave my affection right from the start... are you so strong or is all the weakness in me? ..if i choose now, i will lose out..." sometimes music can rip out my heart and scurry up a light pole with it. how annoying. sometimes it just hurts... to remember. don't think i am sitting down in the middle of the game...i can fucking rant if i want to. and i want to. just leave me the hell alone...don't call me to ask me if i am okay...don't be ridiculous. of course i am okay. suicidal tendencies is a band...not my mindset. my shoulders are bent from the strain of too much grief tonight... tonight it is all just too much... longing and wanting and wishing and hoping... and fuck it. i am going to go back outside...and smoke and be thankful. fuckedupedness, hester...it really all is. i miss kelley...we should get a hold of her. you will be older soon...you should get something pierced. or maybe i will have my lip done...or a tattoo... maybe that is my problem? i just need some artistic pain? it has been a while...yes. tomorrow the retainer goes in...say bye to my eyebrow ring. that means i can fuck with the balance of things. fuck it...i want something else pierced. or tiny needles floating ink in to my skin... "said you needed more time, just a little more time to make up your mind... well. it's been long enough...time is up" back piece or arm bands first? i am thinking back...then thinking arms...and now i need to work on my artwork...which means i need to get dionne down here. which i need to do anyway. i need a motherfucking hug. just a hug. all i wanted was a hug...and i got institutionalized...*grin* it's all i wanted... go ahead, fuck it... use me up already...don't leave me sputtering in your backwash... when did it all get so washed in maroon...and "oh, i'm red all over"... i'm skirting the padded room...no pushing...and no running... especially with scissors. "i'm relieved, i'm relaxed...i'll get over it...yeah"
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