eyes like an ocean
2002-12-01 ~ 2:29 a.m.

well then...

sometime in the last 24 hours, things got fucked. they have smoothed out now, levelled off a bit.

note how i feel better knowing he is still alive and has a circle around him.

would still rather be there...

but tonight i am destined to fall and swirl...in a vapid rapid descent of blinding color and static noise...

techno is pounding out of my speakers...i am working on a really fucked mix of sarah and trent...though tori is singing about losing religion on the other speakers.

"i thought that i heard you laughing...thought that i heard you sing...life is bigger, bigger...than you and me"

i wonder if its the drug haze that still clouds my perceptions. yet we both know that my 'perceptions' are normally way off base.

for instance...

there is a knock on the door. immediately i go from "knock on the door" to theendofthemotherfuckingworldasweknowithascomeandtheyarecomingtogetusallrunrunrunwhileyoucan or something like shitdamnhellitsthecopsorthenazisorthefatherrapersorsomeotherterriblethinghascometogetme...

anxiety? no...why would you think that?

just a lifetime of looking over my shoulder. or more accurately, glaring over my shoulder.

but that, like everything else, is changing this time around the 8. swing me up and around and pray the line holds...

tonight i watched ice age with trey...since i slept through the bar...it was nice.

i do have a bit of pent up frustration whipping and lashing knots in my shoulders that will be let out on re-weighted bag.

tonight and tomorrow i am redoing the layout for this place...again.

tonight i am going to sleep without both dreading and desperately wanting the phone to ring. i am tired of the duality theme coursing its way through my life. fuck your black and white thinking...because even if there were no colors, there is still an impressive gradient in shades of gray...

and..."i am a damn good kisser"...

ah, speaking of my self affirmations...she called me tonight to tell me she did a 'sex change' for me and i was being thought of.

you know, for being a tiny little thing...she has one hell of a heart. i am fond of that.

"she is the shit, acknowledge it!"...

damn comrade, you say i was right about everything and mouse is the shit...

all this niceness scares me...hit me in the head again so i know ya love me!

*grin*

the second i grinned, i immediately wondered about our panty bandit...panty bandit, where are you?? my readers did not hear about black thong day...what a shame. *consoling readers*

i am also going to finally code and add the page for all the damn quizzes and tests and other such shit i occupy my time with...

and from that we come to leather...and i need to visit the local store. and i never did get to go hat shopping! i have been promised hat shopping for years...and not gotten it. i am saddened. hats and leather...and this image has already warped hasn't it?

in other news, the straw in the cops drink was mighy fucking funny last night. as a matter of fact, there were a number of things that deserve to be recorded...but i had much more important matters at hand at the moment.

so to catch myself up, lemme see...

there was hot, sweaty, and colorful bantering on the dance floor...both nights.

until there was a mirror...(yes...the dreaded mirror) *sigh*

and i swear there was a 'come hither'...

regardless i went hither...

and then there was huffiness...

but dammitt, "you are the best dancer i have ever seen or danced with, ever!" acknowledge it.

self affirmations are good...hell, lots of things are good.

it seems we are programmed as destination # 4 in the chartered taxi service comrade prefers...

second best ass in the bar kissed comrade on the cheek...where was my camera? and yes, i think the "other one" is gonna get third best ass...

speaking of pictures...i am working on it.

i am leaving out a lot of funny stuff...really good stuff...but i just can't recall it all...

i was accused by comrade of being a home-wrecker...which i am not. there has to be a home in order to wreck it, right? *ducking the inevitable blow to the head*

seriously though...i am not a home-wrecker. i can't even pay my own rent.

besides, it is like i told comrade standing on the back patio...

my interests are at rest elsewhere. think you know where?

ahhh, think again.

for these days are twirling me in a constant state of change...funny that i should find "this" in such an unlikely place.

i am looking forward to my next session with doc...very much, for a change.

my cuddle bright bear wrote an entry in his diary on November 12...and shane, you above all know that i most certainly will keep on fighting.

i see something worth it everyday. and if i don't...i go and find something. i will no longer choose despair. have me if it will, perhaps...but i shall not make it any easier.

and lately, i sometimes catch it in your eyes...

and i almost have hope for humanity again.

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content � tigereyedvamp 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005