couldn't sleep
2002-12-13 ~ 2:52 a.m.

bed came and went...

my eyes will not stay closed, looking around with the gears spinning and steaming...

wandered back here and there was kim...

was nice to talk. to talk about where i am, right now, with things...and have her tell me she doesn't feel like she needs to worry so much anymore.

it is true.

and it is not often that i don't have to push it all down and back and away just to make it through another day...

and i appreciate the slow going change in to anticipation of another day...

i am not sure i have been able to listen to "adia" and "black and white" in years without my insides crumbling in to ashes...

and now, as "black and white" pours out...i realize i no longer feel the need for someone to unravel me.

i have been steadily working on it for months...after a lifetime of futile false starts.

and while my smile might still be bittersweet at times,

the huge struggle and all associated with it seems to have..."dissipated in to the carpet"...

gods, i am just pushing in all directions for change...

was talking to kim about garters...remembering farrah's wedding makes me laugh.

i need to go shopping tomorrow...some kind of suit that fits...i have a list of things i need to get...

i have a lot of things i really want to do. motivation comes in all kinds of things places...and i so content that i can sit here and know that it is not distraction for a change.

i re-medicated....the blurriness is good fun.

but i do not regret the few hours of sleep i missed....i had a nice time in my mind.

ahh yes...and my myers-briggs changed. haha i was an intp, every time i took that test, for years...apparently i am an infp now. that is funny.

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