duck and fucking cover
2004-06-21 ~ 11:20 p.m.

before i begin...on an unrelated note. you can live here muse. you will fit right in with those of us who like to fucking think and plan ahead, while taking everyone else in to consideration. those two of us who are logical. yep.

which is not really unrelated at all.

let me see. i have been, how to say it? ah, yes. blunt. very matter of fact. the last day or so. give or take a few hours/minutes. i think i should add, opinionated and maybe a bit too harsh...but i can't seem to stop myself. my mouth opens...and stuff *too many fuck's and g**damns which i am constantly repenting for...* anyway...

yes. i am just not at all afraid to say what i think right now. very much in the moment. and i ought to/maybe/ if i have to apologize to those people who have caught the recieving end of that. except, not really so much.

see, all that is in my head right now is...

"excuse me, miss. i'm real sorry but you're gonna have to keep on goin' down the road a piece. we're all full up on crazy here."

and *this is the humdinger*...

everyone else is making hester and i feel sane.

which is really fucking scary.

a quick and vague summarization...*damn, what a long-ass word*

pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

i wonder if i spelled that correctly.

kinda doubt it after so many years, but who knows. i was a spelling bee champion even before pasho's spelling bees...way back in the day.

anyway. i can't sum this all up. i just think that everyone is nuts.

and that shifts my whole world. except i don't move at all. like the fucking rock of gibraltor or an overused biblical phrase. and while it all slowly eats through my soft tissue like acid, i am left wondering why i would ever be so bold as to question my own sanity again. not unless they lock up half the people i know first.

and i am not saying you, or anyone else is really crazy. *it sounds a lot like it though*

anyway...i am just saying...

why don't you think? logically. can you not?

what were you fucking thinking? obviously you had a "moment"...no, a month...or a year. whatever. what were you thinking?

oh....BLIMEY!!!

this is just another level of writing agony...when "fuck" just can't capture it for me.

and this entry is not a reflection of everyone i know...just a certain select few.

and i never expected these people to be sane. nay, i fully expect a little crazy-flavor every so often to come shining through just to show me you are all made of *precious metal* on the inside...

but this is like a pandemic. a rash of crazy. and it is not *precious metal* showing through kind of crazy.

it is...."what the fuck?" crazy.

i suppose i could just put a cherry on the top and see if i can absorb the knowledge.

"mmhmmm, yes. i understand perfectly."

i thought i was feeling homicidal...i certainly *felt* homicidal...

but then i heard this popping noise. and for a brief, brief moment i questioned my sanity again...not just for hearing things, but compounded with thinking everyone else was crazy...

and then. then i picked up the little sheets of paper on my desk...and found the source of the noise. it was a little jumping bug. and i realized not only am i not crazy...i'm not homicidal either because i scopped him up and threw him out the door instead of cruching his little buggery parts like i wanted to.

there we go again with stopping, looking and thinking.

now, if he gets killed...it will be by a lizard and at fate's whim.

i feel much better now.

i am going to eat and go to bed.

later.

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