bad day
2002-07-08 ~ 5:20 p.m.

BAH!!!!!!

fucking long entry....about why this day is bad already, erased. because i am a dumbass and clicked the wrong button.

diaryland people....make this little box hold text when idiots like me click on something accidentally when we are just trying to light a damn cig, and everything we have painstakingly typed vanishes....please!

i personally will pay for you to fix this...cause i am an idiot who will undoubtedly do that many times.

now....

before that entry got erased, i was explaining why my day sucks.

my day is bad...bad. sleep never came.

i got visited by old friends instead...those black clothed demons that huddle in around me with their creaky hunched shoulders...whispering and cackling about the banana pudding that is my head.

nightmares....just nightmares. but why do they seem so real?

imagine a plantation, big manor that is dark even with lights in the windows. a row of shanties stretching out behind the house...little wooden shacks with a wooden pathway milling through to the last one. the last one...the one where my father stays. drunk. the liquor holds him in it's amber reflection, and i am glad because he is happy and unaware in that place. he is surrounded by friends.

so am i. i have terri in this dream, heath is there too...not as a foe, but as a friend of sorts. someone else is there. but there is more than one of me. i have a lot going on in this dream.

anyway...

i went through the first floor of the house like a video game....looking for weapons, and ammo, and water and meds.

i can already hear the screams...they are coming from upstairs.

i find a big room with a class going on in it...and suddenly this is a school. but i don't understand the lesson. and i am outside in a parking lot with sirens everywhere. and someone is whispering in my ear..."bathe the night"....do it...bathe the night in blood. and i am gone from there....back at the house. out back, walking down the planks...toward the last one, toward my daddy. and he sees me, even through his blurred vision...and i wave and he smiles a sad smile...and i am sucked back...

to the side of the house now...in familiar ground. this is ground i know, ground i grew up on...the soil never changes, it always knows you.

and there is a garage, a huge modern garage....attached to the house. this is new, i added this. inside is a dark explorer...keys in the ignition. time to go, not quite...i am here for a reason, i always come here for a reason.

and then i am sucked through the night...back into the house. and i know upstairs is waiting. i can hear the screams...i can hear them. and the staircase is curved and big...and velvety maroon. and i want to die, already.

up the stairs...two at a time. going into gi joe mode. all the way to the top...i have a mission.

mission gone. shit, shit shit. this can't be...but it is. the upstairs is my granny's. the little house i always knew. only just the hallway...and the rooms leading off it. the door to the blue room, my aunt debbie's room. but where did my mom and uncle sleep? there were only two bedrooms...why don't i know the answer to that?

the door to the utility room....the door to my granny's room....the door to the bathroom....and the screams.

step into the hall you coward, and i do...and the blue room door opens and there he is. LOOK! no...cower. he has no face, no face. hallway is long...longer than it is, like i shrunk.

and he reaches out to grab me and i squirm past...but i see the room. there it is...pretty. but the screaming is there. and the blood on the bed...and the smell of death...and i am not ready for this. i want to wake up...but the pungent smell of death, decay and new blood will not release me.

sprinting down the hall...get to granny's room...shut the door. face to the door, breathing hard and fast. what is that? creaky sounds, rustling sounds...

and she is there...dead, but she is there. my granny, in her bead....chest moving slowly and shallow...and i claw at the door...

found the knob, turn it...and he is there.

this is important kids...this is where gi joe comes back. you have milliseconds to make a plan...a good one.

bathroom is acroos the hall...run for it. full speed, and my trajectory should be right. i can launch off the toilet, and glide through the glass window. only problem is remembering to roll when i hit the ground. don't roll, neck broken...important.

and then i am running....and i even as i launch myself at the window, i know he has me. but my mind goes through the glass, and remembers to roll...and my neck is safe.

but me...he has me. and i am the bloody mound on the bed of the blue room. i am the one screaming. i am the one who is already dead...the one not worth saving. and i feel it for just a second...

but then i am running, thankful my neck isn't snapped...and i am running like the dickens. toward the garage, toward escape.

and then the parking lot again...the sirens...and there they are. terri and heath...and someone else...and we are in a strange place.

but i grab them...these two who hurt me bad, and this third...and it is back to the garage, after a harrowing escape from the strange city where this parking lot is.

and i have to go back in the house...i won't leave without my animals, all of them. and everyone is screaming at me to forget them....but i can't. cause even in my sleep i know my little girl kitty is curled up against me under the blankets because she knows when i have bad dreams. and i won't leave them...and so i get them all....into the back of the explorer, and we drive off....right off a road that isn't finished yet...and there is a feeling of falling.

and then the jarring of being woken up after a fall.

and here i am...

and i want to cut...

i want to smash things...

but i also want to get us some ambien. you and me...and maybe sleep. that would be nice.

i want nice. i want something good.

i don't want to want to die...i don't want to already be dead and just not know it.

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