well....it is 2:47 a.m.
i am primed for sleeping pills and oblivion.
i am trying to wait, i really am...
but the fact is, i just want to fucking go home. and if i could leave right this very second, i would.
i watched mindless tv...watched drug frenzied idiots fuck themselves over and in to self destruction madness...watched the best of autopsy...
watched my own mind seep out of my ears.
and i am done with this. finished.
this is not what i wanted...this is not where i want to be at 2:47 a.m. on august 21. this is not where i want to be...ever.
i spent all evening/night looking at houses...looking for a roommate...i am done with that too.
i am gonna run out of coke and smokes...and i ended up eating fruity pebbles until i lost the ability to ingest another damn spoonful...then i tossed what i had already eaten.
i haven't made it this far on my wits alone...and nothing is going to rip me apart.
don't think for a second that all the shit toby scribbled down for her hasn't been seeping through the cracks and infiltrating my mind and dreams. and don't think for a second i had completely forgotten about it all anyway. it is the patchwork that makes up my life...and whoever did the piecing is as color blind as my mother...but the end result is me, and i searched long and hard for at least a partial picture long ago. and now that she has an idea, i will beg her to not believe...because it just can't be true. because the shit that i own up to easily enough is plenty. who needs to pull out all the skeletons? so i have some 6 year old boy who screams and shivers in the back of my mind? i could have been locked up a long time ago...and i made it this far. i did, however, get a crucial element of my puzzle from that...i made a connection transcending the religious hideousness. it was the 'back and forth' that drove the bus over the ledge. the peaceful, calming place of faith...shoved in to the bloody world of some sick fuck...and back again....and then back the other way...until, like a yo-yo...that string frazzled thin and broke. and i have no desire to ever know what happened...i know enough now.
abuse....yes, pick a kind...any kind
ritual abuse....your definition makes me laugh, how's about i redefine it for ya?
unlove....what the fuck ever
ptsd....trauma, yes....how many examples would you like?
did....what?! you want names and purposes now? give me a break
so cna called today for a progress report...and i don't need some overly nice psychiatric nurse trying to do triage, and telling me that streaks of red in everything i have puked in the last few days is bad. i don't want to be patched up and sent back to work...i don't need any help doing that. i can do that myself. and that isn't what got me here, whatever you might be thinking. what got me here was deciding i couldn't do it myself anymore. what got me here was the concept that i wouldn't have to rely on just myself for once. not that i don't have great people in my life...that's not what i am saying.
my mom said something the other day that caught in my throat and has been stuck there ever since. she said that these things that brought me to my knees in this godforsaken place would never happen to me again. my mother's naivety frightens me at times. like i am broken and scarred because of the shit that happened to me. as if. if that were the case i would never have been broken...would never have ended up here. what killed my spirit was the one thing i had absolutely no control over...though i tried and tried to bargain. and yes, i am certain that it is just my magical thinking...but i have over 25 friends laying in the ground to support my magical thinking.
the indigo girls, ani and live are my playlist...and it is a damn good playlist.
i have errands to run...shit to get done. i have a bank to rob, or something else that will generate enough money to pay rent come the first.
and i am not going to wait much longer to go home...my mother needs me. i have been hearing it for weeks and pretending it wasn't there...but i know now that it is...and i have got to go.
to use doc's analogy...i have been trying to dog paddle my way across a fucking torrent...and i am done. fuck the other side....fuck the side i came from and fuck the idea of drowning. i am going to cause an earthquake and build a little island with monkeys right here in the middle of his fucking river. my course is rock steady...and this time, i really won't be moved.
i appreciate nobody always saying that in his scathing tone....and perhaps this is all just him....but i am the one hitting the keys on this night.
and ani has surrendered to Live...
~beautiful drowning this beautiful drowning this holy water
this holy water is in my lungs
and i am overcome i am overcome i am overcome i am overcome~
~born with your back to the God
that spit you out on the riverbed
angry at who? me?
you better back up, fool
I bet you took a gun to school too
nobody's taking your candy
you just keep on living this tragedy
la da da da da da da da (to each his own)
I wait for you to take my hand
cuz we need each other
gotta love each other
i am so done with all this shit.
tomorrow i am running errands if i can...and then, as soon as i can put that fucking truck in to drive i will be spinning rubber to get the hell out of this damn city...
and i will figure my shit out there...cause this place is killing me.
and i will be damned if i die here.
now i just have to wait for the pills to kick in...make an important phone call...and bury my head under the pillow until the nightmares are over and i can get started.
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