so...

i am sitting in the blue room, which is no longer blue...but which i will never be able to call anything else.

the house is still there...talk about a mind fuck.

tonight we went down and sat on hester hill to drink beer and "talk to grandpa"...

i haven't seen richie since the night before ashley's funeral, and we mostly drank that night.

she talks all the time about her old life without ever eally saying anything...

well, tonight she met a large part of mine.

the odd incongruences of a puzzle that just doesn't make a picture to me...no matter where i put the pieces.

it was nice, even comforting, to be back to sit on familiar ground and talk about familir things.

but it is also a reminder of the things that will never leave my dreams, no matter how hard i fight to rid myself of them. i struggle in vain because this owns me.

like the blood moon...the land itself knows i am here. it knows that the three of us and a fourth were together tonight. and it is nights like this that my eyes will only close halfway.

and this is not fear that consumes me on this night, nay. instead it is the awareness of the awareness...and the feelings that come with it.

it is home. it is a place i doubt i will ever be able to call home again.

because, yes, there are things that 'walk' down here...strange and powerful things. and there is more than a good chance that we are all just insane from years of drinking well water...but somehow i doubt it.

and don't think i missed the look in hester's eyes when richie told his tale about the confederate soldier. i miss very little. and yes, jenna, i imagine the two are intertwined in ways we cannot fathom.

and in all of it there is a closeness richie and i share, a bond of some sort. too many nights in the graveyard. too much said and not said.

and i feel for him, and it is sorrow...because he deserved more. i could have told him why i want to find her, why i want to find joe...but he would seek blood that is not his to spill...and that is not right.

i miss home when i am not here...miss it so much my heart is never whole.

but when i am here...amongst the stars and the trees....sitting on the very land i roamed as a child...

well, let's just say that i am not at peace and leave it there. no place else to go with it anyway i suppose.

and yet, i am strangely happy...more whole.

and there is much to do tomorrow. horse back riding and helping my mom and somehow we must fit in the bluegrass festival.

on that note...i will close my eyes as much as i can and just maybe i can find a happy thought so i will remember how to fly all the way to neverland.

be jealous people...i have trees, stars and fresh air and i am home. i will soak it all up...the good with the bad, and run with it, because i don't this often.

good night

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