today was a useless waste of a day, spent sitting on the couch wishing my head wasn't pounding because of the half of a tooth that is left in my lower jaw.

i am medicated and still waiting to fall asleep. seems pointless really. i sleep to dream and in my dreams there is no rest.

bekka wrote me back, with more of the same shit she used to tell me. back in the night. back when i was younger and things were different. when the two of us would lay on the lawn at uta by the fountain, or sneak in to the buildings and head up to the top floor and watch all the little cars and people doing things at 3 in the morning. there was talking and all that other stuff two people can do. she asked me about dionne, as if i might know anything about her. she wants to meet for drinks and to catch up in person, gee...that sounds like so much fun. excuse me, the slack jaw and the meds are making me drool sarcasm.

doc emailed me back about the missed session. my mother ruined yet another day. and to top it all off, my aunt dot is dead. she laid in a hospital bed for two weeks dying and no one bothers to tell me until she is already dead.

tomorrow will be the dentist, and then mel will do things for a few days or however long and then she is leaving to go home for a few weeks. unless a miracle happens, which i am not banking on, i will be back at work before she ever makes is back. and then things will be as they were. i will be what i was. what i came to despise. what destroyed my image of myself, the dream i wanted, my relationships...what robbed me of all feelings. work, work, work...and don't forget to smile.

trey and i will find a way to build a fence while she is gone, get some shit done that i keep wanting to do but fail to mention or remember. sell everything i own and start paying off the bills that are just scattered around piling up. there should be no doubt that i can do this. part of me even embraces the idea. afterall, who really wants to "feel"? and when work is involved, i don't have to. i leave from an empty house, pull on whichever suit i will wear that day, cover the metal and go in smiling and conquering all the bad call center demons. and then i come home to the same house, greeted by the dogs and a neurotic cat and a fish who is actually still alive and go to bed. and then i do it all over again, for days and days on end.

if i get lucky, some nights won't be like that and i will have someone around to take me out of my head for a while. if i don't fuck that up in the process. of course, clicks is open till 2 and they do serve scotch. ahh, just like the good old days that led to my breakdown anyway. but don't doubt my resolve. i am going to do it, even if it does end up killing the rest of me in the end.

so my action plan is as follows:

get the stupid fucking tooth thing taken care of.

find a way to get the stuff and build a fence.

i wish i could go home for a weeks, but i am not dumb enough to think it would do me any good. afterall, look at what was once my home. besides, this seeing my mom in short, sporadic visits is better in some ways. though i know she is dying, and i will be lucky to have years left, and all i really want to do is have her hug me once real tight and mean it like she did that one time when i was 8. but she needs to be proud of me or scared for that to happen. the latter should have already been done, if it weren't for my indecisiveness, and the former...well i would hate to give my mom a heatattack.

in other news, as useless as the day might have been...i got something that meant a great deal to me. something that might even make me remember how to smile when it doesn't hurt so bad. something she might not even remember, but what with my eidetic memory...i will. right, doc?

you see, mel, despite everything you do and say that undoes everything else you do and say...i love you. and somewhere i am holding on real tight to the belief that you love me, that i am worthy to be loved. that something can come of this. that there is much we can share. and if timing is off, well fuck timing...i have never been a fan of it anyway.

i don't want a white picket fence with 3 kids and a suv. i want a real wood fence that isn;t falling down and a landscaped yard and someone or something that will actually make me want to come home after work instead of slamming my perception of my useless life in to a brick wall on the gwb turnpike. i want to be loved, for real. and yeah, i want a kid before i am 30. i also want to send you to school and help you with those things that yes, you could do all by yourself in your stubbornness...but which when someone is offering you something and expecting such a big/little thing from it...then you would be just plain stupid to say no. but mainly, right now, i want a friend and a lover who loves me despite the mess i am, and who...even if they don't know it...would be a hand to hold during the day and a warm body to pull close at night.

i also need to go to the post office. call cna, call dave...again, and get smaller balls. i also need a retainer. and doc still wants to strike while the iron is hot this week. it all sounds like so much fun i am not sure i can contain myself.

and if none of it works out, i will not be the broken crumpled mess one might think. no, i will be a different me in a different place trying one more time to start things over and hoping i might finally do something right.

but in all honesty, there is something in your eyes sometimes that makes me believe some of what you promisd me today. that makes me believe that things can't always be this way. that makes me believe that everything i want is just a moment in a day away. i believe in you more than i do myself...and i have a shitload of belief in myself even if it hides well sometimes. and since patience is a virtue, i suppose i can even be virtuous. i wonder if i have to have my fangs removed for that? if so, it might not work.

how else can i scare the new hire classes?

and in other news, everything is all fuzzy and i am fading.

i wish someone would sign my damn guest book though. that might give me the motivation i need to revamp things around here. open up yet another diary, or actually use the fucking domain i am paying out the ass for us to have. lots of maybe's. lots of pieces to a puzzle that might just end up fitting afterall. but this time around, i am going to glue the damn things together.

she had better be sleeping...she pinky swore. and those are sacred vows. don't think i don't know when you toss and turn and wander around aimlessly. my very being feels it. *soft smile*

by the way, aside from the one not so good morning, i had a really nice time with mel last week...i smiled so big inside i thought something exploded. hmph, maybe that is what happened to the tooth?

possibly. maybe.

soewhere in the distance you percieve and the actual space, you will find me there patiently waiting...even if i do pace a little.

i love, i will always love the way i do...so completely, and the focus of that is you and sperate from you..is me, trying to love what i am...what i have become and what i might be. so good night, and get some rest...i want a rested and compassionate nurse tomorrow. besides, you pinky swore...you did.

also, jim...have you dropped off the face of the earth? and matt...where are you?

two more motrin and some extra liver damage and i will go to bed now again...this time to close my eyes for real i hope.

well ha...i didn't backspace once. i am a rocking bastard.

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