a knife and a fork
2002-10-14 ~ 10:44 a.m.

this little area of space it is okay for me to occupy isn't going to hold me much longer. the growth, that i have been waiting painfully for, has been taking place for weeks.

last night i took a long hard look at things...

and liked nothing that i saw.

i was ashamed of myself for parts of it.

i was ashamed of everything else for the rest of it.

that i would be so juvenile to begrudge her happiness took me by surprise. that it hit me with such ferocity stunned me.

not because i want some thing with her...i didn't leave her to be here. i left her to be with you. it all seemed so delightfully illogical at the time...and i believed in it, in us. the things you used to say to me, the way you would hold me hand.

she said the biggest hurt for her was the way i looked at you. i told her i still do that, there is just no one who notices.

i laid in bed for hours...tossing and turning and tangling up the sheets...

all of it to no avail...no sleep....no dreams....no rest. just an overwhelming abundance of emotion.

i had the rest of it all typed out here and i can't submit it...so i backspaced it.

i am getting very tired of apologizing for and backspacing what i say and what i feel. i might as well be backspacing myself right out of existence.

i am done, grab a knife and a fork.

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