now the blow by blow...

had a laid back kind of day, trying to get well...

ate some pizza (i made breakfast), watched football, brought out stacks of cards...

did you see the lame ass excuse for peewee football that dallas and detroit portrayed? i wept.

the mouse came by, cause she is sick too...

gave her some pizza and soup and pills to go...

watched the news...there an earthquake in alaska that registered a 7.9...shit man. there was an accident in california involving 200 cars...

changed the channel...

watched the end of one of ellen's stand up routines...laughed until i coughed.

got a phone call and became infuriated. that motherfuckingbitch. i am going to kick her ass. i really think i might. her and the dumbshitmotherfucker who threw the brick through the 'broken' window of comrade's car.

yes, there will be a gathering at the house of carla this week. a festive, fuck you. yes, indeed. this situation calls for one thing. a damn fine bottle of scotch and an even better friend. so much for the "5 cent cup of coffee and good conversation" line...

with comrade's window sealed up tight...

she sped off in to the night...

so i came here...

and checked my email...and john bailey signed my guestbook. i adore you!!! i have not heard anyone call me "mama cass" in years? i am afraid. bailey, you are much missed, sweetheart. is it true what i hear about a festive gathering around turkey time? *smiles*

and i had another email...and i have no idea what to make of it, or not make of it. i have no idea what she actually really wants at all. i just have no motherfucking idea at all.

i don't think i ever did know quite what to make of it all. apparently, i still don't...

i always was too clumsy for this dance.

though i can manage a very dirty grind.

i could wax poetic, bleed bright red drops of pain at a doorstep, scream in agony washing away in filthy gutters...

i could try to tell her all kinds and sorts of things i have already said. and i wish i knew what was going on, but i truly am worthless right here.

i ordered an evenstar pendant...a duplicate of the one worn in the movie by arwen, the elven princess. didn't care for the cast job really, and truth be told...i disagreed with the match. but the evenstar pendant is much more than a symbol for everlasting love. if you don't know what this is...go away now and read books.

who knows when it might get here, of course...but what exactly do you want me to do with it when it does? it is yours, you know. and it always will be, but never at the price of friendship and genuine love. you are worth so much more. so am i.

i am afraid that having this catalog in such close proximity is a sin. they fucking have narsil, *yes, the broken sword of middle-earth* mounted and incredible. they have many full functioning swords well beyond 55 inches...but this one is what i want for now. i want to hang it over the mantle. i want it. someone take my debit card away!

in other news...

i spoke with an unnamed party at maerts, and i am not overly thrilled with the prospect of returning to work anymore. looks good for the techs...but when the one person left i have actually worked for was laid off last week (is this true?!?)...things take a dim outlook. i am not going to have a panic attack. i am not. tall one, are you still there? i am coming to find you. as soon as my retainers are securely in place and i have safety-pinned my suit up. i will be looking for a chat with "dj jazzy dave" and a smoke break with everyone. hehehe...let's evacuate the building.

i have been noticing something odd lately within myself. this is the part where i talk about being crazy...it's a secret. *shrug*

things are different. i had three distinct moments where i snapped completely all within a matter three weeks. and then one night, i finally had the resolve i needed. i can smile and say that my indecisiveness is the only reason i am still alive, which is kinda funny when you think about it. but it is true. i sat on the couch, that night after therapy, after the traffic...after the flashback assault and the boundary talk swirling around with images of fairy tale characters...and i had a full bottle of xanax and a phone.

swing right or swing left.

everyone i could reach got a flattened ear, and i woke up the next morning.

and it has been different since. things are like a smoothie around here.

everything is more blended, a little more knit together. of course, during a temper tantrum i sped a few things along in that department. let's just say "i cleaned up the place a bit"...

the blue ball got deflated...

and it twisted crooked gash like brilliant quick silver knives...

it rained...

and it throbbed lobbed grenades in my skull...

the pictures flash next, like mini movies...scenes replayed, neverending...

my soul cried out a deafening why?

and i heard the cat yowling in the hall.

my wrists ached to be cut, slashed...fucked up...just fuck it all up...

it is the frailest of garments that is worn through the fastest.

and there was the shadow of a little girl in the background standing there, watching me...

no knives, no blades, no transitioning, no dissociating...there was just me, watching myself watch myself. better to not ask.

and somehow, in those long minutes of watching, order was restored in the ranks.

"...order not otherwise specified", indeed.

i am hoping the tape and glue hold this time around. i am hoping the sky just stays down this time, to ease the paranoia.

i have to stack up baseball cards...i made a mess looking for things i couldn't find and forcing comrade to look through it all too.

i have a lot on my mind...

and you know what i decided...

if i get well enough to go back to work only to get laid off...

i am going to rent a nondescript house in the hoods of denton where they want monthly payments in cash and certainly won't do a credit check...find an obscure, non technical job...file bankruptcy...and go back to school. in that order.

i have a motherfucking plan.

...previously... ~ ...next...