must see tv night and new tires
2002-11-15 ~ 12:41 a.m.

moxie!! *smile* want to watch the meteor shower?? we should!! i need to escape from this for a while.

foetus!! you came back!! all i needed was a little angst and profanity, eh?

i am exhausted...

beyond exhausted...

i really wish god would explain...

tonight i don't much want to be alone. that is a change of pace around here.

tomorrow is going to be so unbelieveably hard for me...and i am not sure anyone really gets it.

i don't want to see her with another woman, it is going to vanquish all remaining parts of me that are not jaded and messed up beyond belief.

it is going to hurt. like the first time i met alice...

i went out of town for a party and dropped jazz off for the weekend...when i got back to get her...alice was there.

she actually offered me a drink...and opened the cabinet doors i painted and sealed to get the glasses i still had a few of...

and i stumbled down the stairs choking in tears...it just hurts. it always does.

mouse went on her date with two-toned

tonight...she had fun. she was not direct. *smiles* no kissing though, so perhaps a trophy can still be awarded?

the trainer and i have that thing saturday...and all it means to me is that i need to find something suitable to wear...that still fits and clean up this place. bah...

how can i put this politely enough?

i loved...i thought i was too young and fucked her over.

i loved...i got fucked over.

i loved again...everyone got fucked over.

i loved again...and was a few months ahead of my time, and got fucked over.

i loved again and fucked someone over.

i loved again...and got fucked over again.

do you see the pattern??

so, what in god's name, would i want with...this?

nothing.

i don't want to care...it hurts too much. i don't want to bleed because it all hurts too much anymore.

don't get me wrong...if you are in my life, you are quite loved...

but this? not again. not after this.

not this time.

i am too tired, and too poor...and too jaded.

so my tires? yeah, i have new tires...

comrade and i sat in the parking lot...i took pictures of my truck so i will post them when she uses up the roll of film. all sad and tilted.

my rear tire was knifed five times...yes...FIVE times.

and no, this does not help the paranoia.

the tow truck only took two hours to get there...the tire place was closed. the manager stayed open for me, had a guy stay late to put the new tires on...and gave me a beer while i waited. talk about service. auto advantage (pro tires) at oaklawn and fairmont...go there. how nice.

then we left...i came home. trey came over, it was a nice laid back night. we watched must see tv...*smiles*

and tomorrow night might very well be fucked from the get go...

we will be reserving our usual table at the black eyed pea...we will be paying for parking, and there will be armed escorts next to my truck...so good luck trying that again! then there is happy hour...and i want to get silly drunk, please. line up the shots. line them up...right there, in mass quantities.

tomorrow is deborah's release party...and the woman's eyelashes give me nightmares...this is not going to be pretty. *wink*

and then we might very well leave the bar scene and go to our respective homes...and make it an early night? so i can avoid? yes...maybe. or maybe not. there may be no avoiding this...

throw in a drunk 'mexican girl' who is yelling at me across the bar, called me today...and is expecting...what exactly tomorrow? comrade!!!!! HELP!!!

"two timing back stabbing bitch ass ho's..." sing it mindy!!

in other, interesting, news...seems trey's place of employment is entertaining a prospective client soon...*cough*...

so perhaps i will go to work there...what better to do with myself than what i know best? *wink*

now i really want to shoot an email off to good old rick and say "what's up?...how are the kids? did you know...?"

i have had a rough week...my arms show it almost as much as the bags under my eyes. i could pack for a summer in europe with these things.

tuesday late night was bad...wednesday, where i was supposed to be the good friend...i totally lose it when some dumbass knifes my tires...*shaking head*...today was a day of shit, and spending money i don't have for things i shouldn't need.

really...when i clipped the coupon for a free tire roatation with an oil change...i didn't want an invitation to buy new tires. and yet...

perhaps it was a twisted sort of destiny at work for the benefit of my comrade? perhaps...

in which case, i will so take the medicine. we all need good things, and few deserve them like my comrade.

i need a hug...and a squeeze...

and try not to grab my arm. *wince*

in funnier news...the bruise on my arm from the dog bite is more colorful than anything in mouse's closet...*laughing*

and you know...if it weren't for mouse and comrade...i might not have made it through last night and today.

and comrade? trey has more math jokes for you!!! *big grin*

and bailey...i will see you soon honey!! i expect big hugs! so...we are going to the church, eh? ahhh...familiar ground that has become a stranger to me i am afraid. the passage of time...and such, you know.

looks like i need to be purchasing some new leather. *adjusting halo*

yes...pure as the driven snow, that is me. line up the motherfucking shots already...

i am done for the night...call me half baked. i am taking the blue pill and going away to another world.

"and if i gave you the sun...would you take it home?

and if i gave you a gun...would you feel alone?"

"i could have sworn there was somebody home...

to facilitate the great unknown...

but woman...i ain't gonna meet you anywhere...

don't know where i'm going yet...

but i sure am getting there"

no...it really isn't easy tonight...

so..."yeah...whatever makes you happy...whatever makes it beautiful...whatever leaves you satisfied..."

and me..."i'm killing myself from the inside out...and i wished for things that i don't need...

and i wasn't all the things i tried to make believe i was...

and i wouldn't be the one to kneel before the dreams i wanted...

and all the talk and all the lies

were all the empty things diguised as me...

who the hell did i think i was..."

there are nickels falling...and a telephone...

and trick cards floating in the night like leaves...

i'm sorry...whose life did i wake up in?

i am going back to sleep...

take care out there...the world sucks.

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