tracy is singing...
2002-11-23 ~ 3:29 a.m.

i tried to catch dionne up on things...it has been a while. and i know i kind of blew her away there...with the madness that consumed me. that threatens even still to come after me with gnashing teeth and bared claws...

tracy is floating through the speakers...

"right now, right now...i'm doing the best i can..."

and i can't cry tonight, and i need to.

can't sleep, and i need to.

i am looking at my arms...tracing lines newer than the rest.

why do i keep doing this? why do i wish for scars to fade only to cut through them again...and again.

the answer is duofold...and why do i think you would understand?

part of it is that i do, in fact, love the feeling...the feeling of pain.

and the other part is that i hate this feeling...the feeling of pain.

why do i care as much as i do?

why can't i turn it off?

i am doubling my meds for tonight...

because even though i had a good time, got to see old friends and meet new ones...got to dance fleetingly...

there are things crowding around me now...slithering in...

and why...why did she have to sit there and talk to me about my dead friends? to tell me of ways to contact them...and i almost want to laugh...do you know nothing of the meaning of "ovate"...i was born in blue light. don't try to guide me in things i surpass your skill at.

i can feel the steady throb of the pulse in my neck...beating strongly. my hands are cold.

and tonight, i am thankful for the alone time...the down time. i need it more often than one might realize.

or i end up like today...wretched and cursing and cutting and bleeding and not crying...not feeling.

and i want to feel...i really do...

"if you give me a chance, i'll try...

say it's been a hard road...the road i'm travelling on. if i take your hand, might lead you down the path of ruin..."

almost guaranteed.

ah...but child, where did you get your heart?

..."say i've been climbing stairs, but mostly stumbling down...

before we take a step, before we walk down that path..."

at this point in my life...i am thankful for friends.

i am thankful for a friend who saw and asked and then helped me roll down my sleeves and didn't yell...or try to guard me.

please understand...if it served no purpose i would not do it.

it keeps me from taking it too far. too far...

my shoulders are heavy tonight...thinking about the people i love and hold most dear...and i want things to be okay. to just be okay.

"it's alright, i'm okay...i think god can explain...

i'm so much better than you get...

i'm so much bigger than you get...

i'm so brighter than you get...

i'm relieved, i'm relaxed, i'll get over it...yeah"

"please come now...i think i'm falling...holding on to all i think is safe"

and there are days where, if i can't do this...if i can't do what i need to do for me...the result would be so much worse than this.

and it might not be easy tonight...but tomorrow i will make sure you never knew anything happened at all...cause i am sure it would make you happier that way.

but i will be dammed if i lie about it...to anyone.

i cut, i starve myself sometimes, i run myself in to the ground only to get up and do it again...

and that is just what i am doing...getting up again. one more time around the block. because i can do this...i will do this. don't doubt me...and some days, i am better left to my own devices.

last thanksgiving i went home and had a smoke with my cousin, laura, in the driveway...

she is a single mom at 20...working at the prison...and with all that we could have discussed...she was more interested in talking about my weight loss...and it is no wonder my mother doesn't want me home...like i am some sort of sideshow attraction in my fucked, dysfunctional family. the black sheep. with slut cousins in abundance...i am the black sheep.

me, the one who finds the pain in others and brings it in to myself to make it easier for you...

even if it doesn't work...i still try.

and if that part of me ever starts to go...i may as well lose my very soul.

i am wound up so tight tonight...and yet...i have no desire to escape.

"i pray to the heavens a child to save us all...

she gets higher by the minute...turns the sound up, to drown out all the pain...

they all think they know her, but they don't really know her...so she goes a little crazy sometimes"

why even bother explaining...why?

i am going to go drift away on my magic carpet now...

and don't worry...

in the version i am writing...we do all live happily ever after, and dreams don't have to be doused with cold water and the biting sting of reality.

and if nothing else...you can believe in this heart of mine.

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