the power of shame
2002-11-27 ~ 3:34 p.m.

well...oddly enough when i posted some of the older shit i had written on my domain...i never really thought anyone would read it...

and someone did...and i think i might be a little embarrassed. *evil grin*

yeah...*shaking head* do you take orders well?

so i had a record setting session and got my hair cut and ran an errand or two that could not be procrastinated about further.

all in all, productive...

the thoughts in my head are decidely different. more focused. i wonder if it is true.

i know within myself that it is. i knew when he asked me why i had done it again...why i had decided the blade was a nice resort...what the driving force was.

i only said it once...and his hearing was fine at that moment. which is good.

i have always known. it was ingrained me, not intentionally, but done regardless...

it was not unlove, or even wanting to be wanted...

it was something else...similar, but not the same...

it was...

because i whined...because i was spoiled...because i let them do that to me...because i never said anything...or said the wrong thing...because i wanted to save my friends and never could...because they weren't proud...

that is an unending list...

maybe i am realizing why work helped me hold it together...it constantly fed some alternate sense of self worth.

and maybe why the mouse's hands and repetitive words came back to me the other day when i found my blades...

why i stopped before the shiny sharpness took it away...

this is a strange new light.

*taking sunglasses off and looking around*

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