thoughts after fence building...
2002-12-23 ~ 1:34 a.m.

it has been a quiet and introspective evening around here...

i soaked and shaved and basically bonded with bath and bodyworks...for a while.

then i clambered back on board the train bound for the wildness of the world wide web.

and the line from that movie comes back..."you will get bored and you will surf the net, and you will think of me..." how delightfully trite.

i read a book, well the seven 'chapters' of a book intended to give enlightenment about flow...and three links later found myself chest high in dowsing and then came the pendulums...and i am a goofy nut for not seeing it earlier.

i am worse off than i might admit because i won't admit to it...the raw strength of it that still leaves me clinging to the tight-lipped edge of denial and desire.

the realization of the ceiling fan would have hit me like a sledgehammer months ago, and now it sinks in slowly and finds a comfy spot.

i have realized and acknowledged the unbalance...repeatedly.

i need to do a little more investigating around me...as well as within me.

i have stated repeatedly since late summer that i will let it go, that i will let it all fall away...

that i would brave myself and my own murky waters...

that i would stand up and look evenly in the mirror...

that i would, in fact, shatter the looking glass.

and in this ongoing process i have found myself on my knees thrice.

october, november, december...

frayed jeans kneeling in mountains of shards of sharpness...

bathed in crimson beneath the false moon of your forgotten gods...

trickling reflections of blood and tears and scars and screams bouncing back up distorted...

and i have found myself in a place where i need to still brashness...

because there is always a brashness to me. take it as you will. and it is that part of me that jumps up and screams in to the wind everytime...words i will not give voice to. it is bad enough that i even think them. it feels just like what it is...pride.

i need to give this part of me ritalin.

and i am thinking happy medium here.

i am going to put on some work boots and some knee pads and i am climbing out of this...up or down or all around. or if i am supposed to just sit still, then so be it.

i have done what i can for now, i will watch the wind for illusions of movement and take direct headings then.

in the meantime, i am going to...

mesmerize myself with the magic of now.

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