all over the place
2002-12-28 ~ 2:40 a.m.

the ozarks...

and the moon...

she wouldn't know the signifigance of that to me. no one fully would.

part of it has to do with a dream. the rest with an image.

oh wait...this is more of that 'magical thinking'...just so ya know.

i know what holds me down...

or at least i claim to.

claim to recognize and call out the links of the chains that keep me tied up and down to the lower levels of what i should be...

it isn't fear...though that can be an obstacle in other situations.

this is different. how can you fear something you have been expecting, anticipating...even wanting? how, in that moment, is your breath taken away by fear? nay...it is not. for me, my breath may leave me mometarily in a lapse of thought or action...but if it is taken, it isn't wrested by fear. i leave that to passion. to experience and beauty. as it should be.

so the moon hangs low and luminescent tonight...

the feeling it brings is nothing new to me. been watching it for many months, transfixed...like one of dean koontz's characters. mine is a sense of what is to come.

and i am not ready. go ahead, ask me why. i claim to know. and i know myself well enough to know that i am right in calling a spade a rake.

i am avoiding the preperation. it is just like that day in church when we were kids and the missionaries were visiting and they said that the reason missionaries were important was because as soon as everyone in the world had heard 'the gospel' then the world would end. and we sat there on our little bench dumbfounded with these idiots. for fuck's sake...stop spreading the gospel!

i am one to use goofy analogies and stories to make a point, which may or may not actually be made...

*humming and thinking and strumming fingers*

who the fuck do i think i am, really?

i am afraid of self confidence because that enables me to fully use my power and that means i have to make choices and decisions and that is something i can't seem to do. ouch.

after a nice shot of self observation i think i will have a smoke break.

i have had time to heal. as much time as i needed, even if it was not spent wisely. and it wasn't. and that is my own fault. i accept that, even if it still sucker-punches me sometimes.

and i have learned so fucking much. and i question how it is even possible with the life i have had thus far. how could there be more to learn? another fucking mountain? more paths of thorns and kneeling in glass? don't be fool enough to think age has any relevence in what i am saying. it doesn't.

i have always been the way that i am in certain areas. always meaning above the age of 5 or 6...things were different before 'trauma' was introduced and i just don't remember.

so maybe it was trauma that shaped me. maybe it was the way i always have been. maybe it is the way i am meant to be.

i care.

raise your hands if you have heard me tell the story about my mom's windshield. great! now put them down and listen again.

one cold morning my mom and i went out to the car for her to take me to school. i noticed the windshield was cracked...all the way across. it took us all the way to hwy 7 for me to ask what happened. she told me she had been driving behind a semi and it tossed a rock back, it hit the windshield just right in the cold weather to cause it to crack all the way across. she didn't seem upset by it, and i looked hard. because i started crying. i sobbed all the way to school. saw the whole scene playing out in my mind...only in my version my mom was not okay with it at all. in what i was seeing in my mind...i was feeling what she felt. it may not make any sense...

but if i can care that much about the rock in the windshield, then what do you expect of me?

precisely.

which is exactly why i stand up over and over...do anything for you...it is just me. and here i thought that everyone was that way. that everyone cared as much as i do. they don't. and i don't understand that.

eyes hardened with hate...fists clenched...i don't understand it. yet i was that. the entire time i was a teenager. and then i learned a few more lessons the hard way and found my heart again.

thoughts and words and speech all have power....they all have power....

i got lost in the moment...and landed here.

and i kind of told a lie tonight i think...since my mind ran over that way and i forgot where it started from...

it may have been the comment that caused me to decide that you were a genuinely nice person...but that isn't what brought me back.

that is something else entirely.

i want to see more of it. understand more of it. i want to study it. i want to play with it.

i despise being overwhelmed with the thirst for knowledge and remaining in a draught.

there is little for me in school, short of the piece of paper. what i want to know is in books that can be ordered from europe, apparently.

there are some nights this house feels really cold and empty...even with all the dogs. tonight is one of those.

it doesn't bother me much anymore though i remember when it did.

i just can't get it together to save this entry tonight...i am too scattered.

tonight was an odd sort of night at the bar...our comrade was sorely missed. ran in to an old friend. and i was way out of "the now" most of the night. i have no idea where i was...except digging through boxes in the back of my head reading and thinking about things.

i don't have as much hair on my head...and it kind of freaks me out sometimes.

also, got another of those weird phone calls. that makes three. oh...i haven't mentioned those yet. yeah. not scary weird...more funny weird than anything.

that's all i got.

stay warm and sleep tight.

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