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leftovers...
2003-01-09 ~ 6:06 p.m.
sitting here, listening to melissa ferrick..."you've known it all along" and "crack the mirror"...and i love this song. i haven't added it as a surprise to anyones cds...but here are the words... "Stuck in my bed I'm a catastophe in my head I got 8 things in the air The phone's ringing off the hook And I can't bare to look Ya they told me that this would happen That it would all get to be too much And I'd find myself alone Crack the mirror And hang a sign on my door That says That girl doesn't live here anymore So the weeks go by Yeah into my decent 'Till I do not know How far down I have gone It's like when you're swimming in the ocean And the bottom becomes the top And you don't realize that the whole time You have been swimming down for air Crack the mirror And hang a sign on my door That says don't bother knockin' here anymore Crack the mirror And hang a sign on my door That says That girl doesn't live here anymore So every week now I go and talk about myself Yeah why I can't eat And why I can't get to sleep And the doctor says it's a neurological thing But what the doctor doesn't know is that my soul can't ...Breathe Crack the mirror And hang a sign on my door That says don't bother knockin' here anymore Crack the mirror And hang a sign on my door That says That girl doesn't live here anymore i am tracing the bruises and scars...it is no wonder i can't go home again. it fell away in to "if you don't don't"... "so here we are now, a sip of wine a sip of water. someday maybe, maybe someday we'll be smarter. and I'm sorry that I'm such a mess..." i keep avoiding all that i really want to talk about in here. how much this stupid 'project' is fucking with my head. but it is not all bad. there are just days when you can't imagine looking yourself in the mirror...again. a lot of questions to have to answer honestly to oneself. and it stings. and he says the shame is not mine. granted, the shame for those things i chose and orchestrated...i accept. the other...i am torn. it is difficult to rebuild oneself when you have to start over with different blueprints. i remember the first time i got a 'b' in school. i was devastated beyond belief. i didn't know how i was going to tell my mother. because if i was good enough she would be proud of me and want me and want to love me. it was in math, it was the six weeks i missed two weeks of school sick...my times table skills have never recovered. and i haven't changed all that much either. i still feel that way sometimes. i am changing it, true. but if i have ever loved you or love you, i felt at some point like i had to prove that to you, that i couldn't let you down. so the trick here is to incorporate the way i love with some type of positive self worth inside of me. and this is where i am stuck. it is not there to find...and i am having some trouble creating it. this is more murky than you might think because i have a lot of faith in myself and high expectations which i truly believe i am fully capable of reaching. this is me, i can be downright cocky. it is not those things. it is something far more soft and squishy and bloodied. it is comprehending that i could be loved. and to be content in that love. i am doing better. much better. incredibly better actually. i just really hate looking up and knowing that my passage in the night is nowhere near done. blah...blah...blah... i have been devoting most of my waking hours the last few days to the tiring task of poring through my mind, older writings, web pages and articles...and writing about myself. i need a break from me. i got a call back on a place i sent my resume. i am going to go prepare to die again in two towers and watch tv. why is it a weakness to want to hold your hand?
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