them....
2003-01-23 ~ 11:53 p.m.

because it has always been this way...

because as soon as i believed that he hurt you, i stepped in so you wouldn't be hurt.

as soon as i understood that his words and the drinking made you sad, that became my burden as well.

as soon as his anger steamed and his temper boiled, i directed it to me.

antogonized him...brought his drunken wrath on my head...to spare you.

but it never really spared you anything...you never understood. you never understood that i did it for you.

i never should have been in that role. i have no idea why i picked it up. you were an adult, i was a child...why did i think i had to protect you?

and your reaction? was to yell at me for antagonizing him.

why do i feel so much guilt for your life choices? why can i not come home again?

oh...the truth of it. i can go home...just not as myself. and i have purposely been putting off getting the retainers...in a silent stand-off with her over this.

why? because she doesn't want to have to put up with him when i leave.

"put up with"...

why would it not make me ill?

what the hell happened?

why are you unhappy? why is he unhappy? why don't you know the answers to that?

there are ways to fix it...can fix anything with enough duct tape.

but no...it can't be fixed. because if it gets fixed, then it means that it was broken...

and we can't have that.

i know.

i love you too.

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