...can't stop typing
2003-01-28 ~ 8:31 a.m.

woke up...alarm said 5:58...

why am i awake?

clock says 8:30...why am i still awake?

yesterday was a day. i ran errands, went shopping for the essentials and red shoes, took the fucking movies back...grabbed lunch on the way home and ended up dusting and vacumming. took mouse to the dentist...where the nitrous is free...and i had thought of going to dinner...and we ordered pizza. and it was a good night.

last night i went to bed with fragments of conversation echoing off the walls...

i remember thinking about the noise...the baseball game. the first and last time i ever felt close to my dad after the abuse was when the A's won...we watched the games together. it was right after the earthquake...candlestick...it is too blurry in my head and i am too lazy to look it up.

thoughts of toby. of red shoes. my side of the mountain was on...it was all so fitting.

the phone woke me up sometime in the middle of the night. surprised i heard it...but i answered and it was little karla...too drunk to come home. laughed and wished her a good night and rolled over...and that was that.

more thoughts on things...so many thoughts on things. i am poised on the edge of discovery and the wind has to blow sooner or later. something was given to me last night...perhaps in exchange. and it is appreciated, though not fully understood. just a glimpse of the gears...in me.

i got the red shoes so he could stand on the bottom strand of that barbed-wire fence all day long and stare out at the world. a bargaining chip as well, it is true. with myself.

around the age of 11 or 12 i became aware that i was obsessed with observation. i was not part of it...i was merely 'observing' it. and only through distancing myself could i feel any associated emotion. alan was great right around this time. i told him i wanted to be a photojournalist. he told me to take lots of pictures. *grin* if he only knew. how my mind works it all out...how many pictures i have.

brothers...and mothers...

moments ago i was in the kitchen and caught myself laughing out loud...that was fun.

and i think i want to have some gatherings. i like gatherings.

little karla came in about an hour ago. she feels just..."whoribble"...

hahahaha...little karla is a wanton sex goddess. and now little karla is gone again...and i have been here way too fucking long.

i am evading my own topic.

the roommate thing is fine so far. yeah, it is cool.

i am going to go...i need motion or sleep.

frozen emotions and it is his eyes. that is what it is. in all the images i have ever created, you never see his eyes. only other crazy people will understand how the voices in your head cheer when you get something important right. emotions....emotional ego state.

frozen.

'it's his eyes'

how can i be this far away and not see the picture?

i'm not trying too hard. i know it will all come together. in its own time. no, i love that.

i am not overthinking it...well, maybe a little...but in measure.

i can track this journey in journals...and like the house, like the well...this is important.

it is hard to explain it, especially here. memories come to me more often than not like photographs....like a slide show. my mind is one hell of a graphics editor. and there are reels that play over and over again. then there are sometimes surprises. new images that float down like confetti. often, they are triggers. sometimes really fast acting, in the corner howling triggers...sometimes they are gentle in nature triggers. these images. the pictures of my life, and every one of them has a(n) associated emotion(s). new images bring new feelings, or new spins on old feelings.

which is how the red shoes came in to play...if you are still following this insanely long and insubstantial entry.

new object...new images...

and what i got was nothing of what i expected. nothing even related to what i have seen/felt before.

and so i will check the validity of these images. which means i have to call my mother...which needs to wait till later.

and aside from this...which is something i coaxed along and is wanted...

everything really is going to be okay.

...previously... ~ ...next...