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scantrons and blue books
2003-02-06 ~ 2:41 a.m.
tonight was the bar... hester and andy were there, it was great. one of andy's ex's was there...how funny. it was a good time. drove home...tired floating on the sheen of water and getting showered in the spray of those much bigger than me... made a phone call. stopped at a familiar place for a smoke break. it was a good thing. been sitting here with little karla a while, talking. we did the cards again...the earth did not move this time. go figure. it was a good talk. i hope there will be many more. she has retired and i am drinking. now, yes...i left early and didn't drink much...and i had every intention of coming home and going to bed... the tires spinning, music loud, burning smokes one after another...just driving and raging and driving some more...and no, i'm not okay...stop asking. i tell you what...when i am okay, i will let you know. yet i am okay. try to keep up with me here. this is different. i sense the diferences...all of them. still raging, still not okay....but there is stillness at the bottom of this...which means that everything will be just fine. yeah, a day too late...probably. but i enjoyed getting to see you, for those brief moments. i needed that hug. *refreshing the beverage* i am done...tired of raging against the dying of the damn light. the bulb burned out, mother fucker. and it catches in the back of my throat, somewhere in the vecinity of my heart...and it hangs there, from a noose attached to my tonsils. let the "love schooling" begin...(get your scantrons and blue books) yes, this is a good one...the (k)carla's agree...a little neruda... those who wanted to wound me wounded you, and the dose of secret poison meant for me like a net passes through my work - but leaves its smear of rust and sleeplessness on you. i don't want the hate that sabotaged me, Love, to shadow your forehead's flowering moon; i don't want some stupid random rancor to drop its crown of knives onto your dream. bitter footsteps follow me; a hideous grimace mocks my smile; envy spits a curse, guffaws, gnashes its teeth where i sing. and that, Love, is the shadow life has given me: an empty suit of clothes that chases me, limping, like a scarecrow with a bloody grin. indeed. and tonight, i am fine. i am just a little jaded. not even sure what put the thought in my head, but it has been there most of the day. talked to little karla about it too...i am pissy. better than i was, but still pissy. easy to aggravation and fierce...i was not joking. i am done with it. done with it all. no more stepping up to the plate, no more getting burned before you leave the chute. why do you expect me to be the "risk-taker"? how fucking much will you take from me? or is it until i stop giving? cause dammitt...i am done. i am really glad you learned what you did, so grateful to be life's little instrument of 'schooling' for you. glad that you learned to be faithful, after me...glad that you learned to love, after me...glad that you fell in love, after me...glad that you were able to use the acquired experience, after me... does anyone else see a pattern here? *grin* this is a direct result of the erotic dream i had when i was much younger...yep. and of course i am not really that jaded...with the anniversaries approaching, surely not? "Because I could not stop for Death-- He kindly stopped for me-- The Carriage held but just Ourselves-- and Immortality. " - emily dickinson come right back around...full circle. my chores are all done. i don't want to leave it like this...because this isn't really how i feel. i was just venting...but i can't tell you how i really feel... because i would risk opening the door too wide...and that would require moving the barricade. who am i kidding? gods, i hope you are laughing at me as hard as i am laughing at myself as my fingers pound out meaningless words on this thing. there is no barricade...hell, there isn't even a door. for anyone. i love you like a stray you fed once and expected to go away. i guess i always will. *feel free to break your #2 pencil in frustration now*
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