its a xanax day
2003-02-11 ~ 12:50 a.m.

holy shit...

that is all i can say.

the events in the last 24? hours have left me quite astounded...dumbfounded...in need of processing.

i spoke to laura today. haven't talked with her in a really long time (years?). she is my cousin, our moms are sisters. she is 21, i think of her still as a kid...and then i realize i have dated women her age...and then i start looking for my halo...

anyway, the conversation was interesting. obviously i didn't know that my mom is sleeping at the store, my father is never sober, that she (laura) has been ostricized by the entire family...except myself and my oldest brother. who also smokes more weed in a day than i ever have. and i am glad we talked. doesn't matter how much of it is true. she needs family, especially now. because how can you be family and not be there? you might as well be a perfect stranger i walk past on the street.

i really want that book on family dynamics. well...that and a megaphone.

also, there was a family reunion. no, i was not told. *shrugs* it was in november.

i have decided, without too much queasiness, to talk to my brothers. to talk to my father. to really talk. my mom is an enigma to me, though i sense the similiarities. i am going to do all that i can. they are my family. i am going to give them the oppurtunity to know me. they can say yes or no. if they say yes, then i tell them ll i can and they can decide for themselves if they can still call me family. if they say no, then we go from here like we always have.

i like the philosophy that in any given family, the person who is the most fucked up... the person with the most outward behaviours... that person is the embodiment of all the fuckedupedness from the family that no talks about or deals with.

it really does seem to fit, think about it. it also means my family is truly fucked up.

we talked for almost 2 hours without realizing it.

i feel odd tonight, strangely disconnected from most everything. i am breathing through a straw, submerged in my thoughts swirled with feelings.

this other thing, yeah...there is another thing...i don't know. i'm not thinking about it...and if i am, i'm not talking about it. i did what i did and i'm not big on regrets. but there is very little i am willing to offer, and i don't want to hurt anyone.

and now this thing with my friend, and i am out of ideas completely.

i just realized that i haven't eaten anything what with the stomach not behaving so i am going to eat german chocolate cake and drink a glass of milk and take a xanax...

cause yeah, it really is 'a xanax day'.

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