an ice day...
2003-02-25 ~ 2:53 p.m.

ice...fucking cold...ice...inches if ice. hard packed, great for sliding.

hester...where is the field between the house and uncle danny's and a few sheets of tin when you need it?

talked to lots of people today...still have calls to make.

awww michael, no worries.

yeah, it really is that bad...but it will be okay.

i'll let ya buy me a beer and a shot...just to be sure it will all be okay. right?

about to start tipping the rum and coke...who cares if it is only 3. this morning has almost done me in and i have been up since 10 after going to sleep at 6...

screaming...(yeah, screaming) at creditors and the bank...and how fucking dare they draft on my account without my permission? and the bank says that is fine? we shall see.

yes, we shall. so...no more bank account on top of it all.

out of coke and smokes again...and that is my only concern. really.

and just because i enjoy it when things are fucked up...i am playing a little duran duran. i felt like grinding glass shards and salt in to the gaping wounds.

bring it on...knock me on my ass already. do it again!

i have got to get in to therapy...i am not doing a good job at keeping the rage subsided. it is starting to leak...and the pipes might bust. but doc said he knew of a place where we could do some anger management.

of course i have got to remember that anger is just the flip side of a multi-headed bastard of a coin...and that i am going to learn to cry all over again in this.

because the root of the rage is hurt. and i am not far from it...interesting how this suddenly all makes sense to me.

still fighting it. still arguing with myself that i have no right to feel the way i do...to be so angry at her or him or them. to have needed so much.

...followed immediately by surging rage that demands it is all perfectly justified. they had no right.

fucking tug of war.

trying to reconcile so manay aspects and fragments of oneself in to something recognizable and passable as a human being...

and yet i am smiling. laughing even.

having crossed the point months ago where i genuinely gave a fuck and passed in to a strange land...

and i am smiling in this place...

i am smiling because i have friends that care so much, even when i have no idea why.

i am smiling because i am enjoying the company. because i am enjoying her.

i am smiling because i am me.

i am smiling because i don't know what else to do and it beats crying.

i am going to make eggs...because i can, and was supposed to four hours ago...

enjoy the ice day!!

i just filmed little karla trying to get to her truck...it is funny.

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