i forgot what i was saying
2003-03-12 ~ 3:01 a.m.

irritable and tired...

i can't shake the feeling that i am swinging on a tightrope with no kind of net. that i am using refried phrases. yikes.

the last few days i have just felt overwhelmed. it is all just a little too much. i have lost my sanity, my pride, and my sense of self in the last year...and that my undoing would be an ill-timed deferred electric bill makes my teeth clench. distraction is keeping me going like an iv drip.

and i resent...no, i fucking resent...that it is affecting my mom. the rock. that this blackness that engulfed me in the falling would dare to approach her. yes, the same mom i am so angry with. keep up. she said something today about laying down and crying...and how we just couldn't do that. i think it would do her some good, frankly.

moving on...

i want to go to bed. i would much rather be there than here. i just can't seem to get the words out anyway.

i met her mom tonight...now, so many things. i like the passages. terrified, but i am still smiling.

remind me to tell you all about it one day.

i also "got the goods" as well, to quote michael...and i will supply the details.

but right now...i am way in my head. where i have been for days. and i can't even find the ladder down. i am not out of touch with my feelings at all...they are definitely present...i am just struggling.

i am fleeing panic. *or at least trying to.

i am angry and looking for justification. *all this fuckedupedness had better have some damn meaning.

i am lost. *following the compass in the dark kind of a thing

it kind of just dawned on me that this whole irritable and tired thing is me...running on my energy reserves.

i am low on fuel...

the oil still needs to be changed, the brakes need to be checked, the tires need to be rotated and both the registration and the inspection stickers need to be replaced.

i need a break. from reality.

please.

i am exhausted.

i am going to lock us in my room and yank the phone line out of the wall. i swear i really am.

it also dawns on me that i haven't talked much about that here...

i say "we" words and alot of people naturally assume i mean me and the 'voices'...or that it is call center speak...or who knows what.

i like it that way. and this is mine, so i will continue to do it that way.

but... she is an incredibly beautiful person...and i am happy.

and i am going to bed now.

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