at the bookshelf...?
2003-04-02 ~ 1:04 p.m.

i got distracted doing other things...then scanning the bookshelves...and thinking...

and ended up here...

so let me tell you something.

lend me your ear...right or left, i am not picky.

you are wrong.

i have learned a lot this year, but this lesson is much older. was much harder to learn.

you won't let her...or you won't let him...

love you.

because you can't look in the mirror.

you think you can tell them how fucked up you are....warn them away from your special madness. that is bullshit too. just more manipulation. and you are good at it.

but not as good as i was...as i can be.

i just won't be. i won't do it. it has nothing to do with morals and everything to do with the thin veil that seperates reality from insanity. truth from so much book shelf fiction.

you weave spells into your material and then try to tear yourself from the picture. it will all catch up with you one day. it isn't karma...it's magical thinking.

i wonder if you really do know your part. your part in the end of the end. i wonder if you still think i will be there.

because plans have changed. are changing.

there is no stasis anymore.

i remember my faith in the small things...the smallest of things.

and beauty is no longer distorted...discolored...perhaps i am no longer disillusioned...

because there it is.

you have to be able to shatter the looking glass. to see yourself as you truly are, with all the many jagged and broken pieces to understand that you are beautiful that way.

and i can see in your eyes that you are looking at the mirror whole...and lying to yourself.

nothing is worse than convincing yourself that the lies are truth and the real truth is pathetic.

you can't outrun yourself forever. but i applaud your effort.

=/=

in other news...

hester is home from the doctor. she had correctly diagnosed herself and now has drugs. life can only get better.

hester and andy and the chaplain and myself are going to andy's for grilling this evening.

speaking of meds...ouch.

much to do...or procrastinate about.

have a good day.

...previously... ~ ...next...