the word victim
2003-06-04 ~ 12:05 a.m.

do you believe in infinite possibilities to any given situation?

or are there, in fact, a limited number of possibilities that can play out?

do you know how exhausting accounting for as many possible variables in all possible situations can be?

emer and i were sitting in the lr smoking the monkey and chatting.

tried to explain my flavor of psychosis. a mini version of a conversation had the previous night. how i see things. hear things. feel things.

things. all kinds of things. with one thing in common.

they aren't real.

they are a result of 'events in the area' and a healthy dose of magical thinking.

see...i have two choices. this is how i see it.

either i am crazy... or i am a magical thinking freak.

while not enthused by my options, i am not dismayed.

there are too many other things.

like ani's unique ability to sing along with the whirring of drives in bays.

"...and i've got no illusions about you... guess what... i never did..."

i have a quandry. errr. a conundrum.

i get mixed messages on something and i don't understand it.

what denotes status being that of a "victim".

if i were to tell you that i am not a victim, what would you say? would you disagree, agree, argue vehemently? (i just wanted to use vehemently in a sentence)

and i am referring almost solely to my childhood. i automatically take full responsibility for things done as an adult.

i cannot see myself as a victim.

except when i do.

and then i feel guilty.

because i was told i wasn't a victim. is this some fucked up political correctedness that has gone haywire in my neuronetwork? why else would i believe that being a victim is bad. not victimizing...no. being the victim. is bad. is somehow bad.

which makes me bad. like i need the reinforcement there. i rationalize it, i process it, i hold it inside and let it chew on me...a word from the fucking fifteenth century makes me feel guilty. which translates to bad.

innately.

bad. me.

they would have called me rotten. come to think of it, they did.

because what the fuck do i know about being a victim? i know nothing. what happened to me is nothing. minimizing? maybe. got that from my mom i imagine.

the word itself is consider to be related to the word for 'holy' in old high german...

so why do i still feel bad? oh, right. cause i am not as good at minimalizing as it might sound. because there are times when i want to fucking line them up and get my best shot in.

because being a victim makes me feel weak and not being a victim is minimalizing and trying to find some place in the middle is ludicrous...

opposites...constantly tearing me apart. in everything. most of the time.

which brings it down to that blasted 'sense of self'. not just limited to sense of self worth, no...the entire sense of self. starts developing when you are a kid.

so of course i get angry when they say i have abandonment issues. motherfuckers. it isn't as frozen as that.

and even if it was...there are those in my life who have been damn good with an icepick.

why can't i just fucking get it already? whatever 'it' is.

do you have 'it'?

shit man, i am working on it.

i'll be back when i have something to share with the class...

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