the leg is there
2003-06-24 ~ 2:52 a.m.

there was stuff here before i erased it. there will be more stuff...and it won't make much sense...i fear.

it was good to talk with my mom today.

about family and quirks that seem to be genetic.

damn, i was a weird little kid.

i talked with emer about it earlier in the day and then started to talk about amy later when everyone was home...but stopped.

i couldn't make it make sense.

this is the little kid who is rather quippy, but sensitive. she is my niece. oldest brother's only child.

i never knew she had the sock thing too, apparently much worse than i did. i am not sure about her senses of smell and taste...and i wonder how the birth defect may have effected them. i will look that up. in the meantime, the thing that strikes me. the thing that always has. is amy's seemingly full comprehension, but there is something missing.

it is almost like missing the knee-jerk reflex. the doctor is tapping...but the leg is not moving. yet no one can deny that the leg is there nor can anyone say it doesn't work correctly as long as one can stand and walk.

feel your feelings.

except...

i split to amy telling me how she was feeling after her parent's divorce... "my parents are getting divorced, how do you think i feel?"

she was five or six. i thought it was a quip. maybe i still do.

but now, a part of me wonders...

most kids would have given an answer we might expect. something like "sad" or maybe even a good old "it sucks"...or maybe even a "i like it better"...

backing up... today i talked to my mom about genetics and our family for maybe the first time. my grandmother and she had similar "touch issues". my problem was worse. and to hear it from my mother, amy's is worse than mine was. "touch issue" is just how we will refer to touch sensitivity. i was the first one to develop odd "smelling issues"...i like to smell things. mostly plants and trees when i was little. i can still see the green leaf...it was the best thing ever. i digress...and am now caught in the tidal wave of leaves that have gathered in the corners of my mind...

see, amy's answer to that question is probably a lot like my own would have been.

i just want her reasons to be different.

i want her to be a smart-ass. not crazy like me.

the following would have been my reasons for giving an answer like that...or rather, these would be the rationale that would still accompany me through this thought...

*...say what? what do you mean how do i feel about it? what can i say to make you think i know what you are saying when i have no idea? or even...what can i say that will get you to tell me how to feel because i don't get it?*

if i were her...well damn, this is just plain confusing because no primary emotions appear in my mind to identify with. i have no idea how i feel about this. ideally, i would see an afterschool special or read a book that would tell me the appropriate response. only after i have found it can i actually "feel" any part of it. though i have no idea what "feel" means. i tend to think of this as processing time...or a delayed-response.

all of this goes back to the "friday five" by the way. (thanks to mr. grimmm) which reminded me of that story about the turkey on thanksgiving and how in the first grade...instead of writing anything about blood i wrote..."and oh i'm red all over".

that sentence always struck me as peculiar. it struck my teacher that way as well. i was either destined for the literary halls of fame or to be a drama queen...? or maybe neither. either way, they tested my aptitude and i was fine. everything was fine.

except me.

tell me again doc. tell me the story of the day my mom drove away in the rain and realize that i am correcting you on the details of the landscape...with me standing in it. i see myself. i see the things behind me. i am like a trained dog. say the word "abandonment" and like clockwork, now i see that picture in my head. association. good job.

dissociation. i don't understand.

all i am missing is one thing and i didn't miss it until i knew i didn't have it. and if i did have it, i didn't recognize it.

i don't have a feeling.

until i get to the point where the frustration builds and builds and then i have frustration and anger and fear at not having the answer.

because looking through my mind...i get distracted by leaves and gravel. the way i like shadows. the next book to read.

and now...as an adult.

i wonder how i ever managed to live without emoticons. talk about putting a face to a name.

it might not have jerked...but dammitt...the leg is there.

...previously... ~ ...next...