children's story
2003-07-07 ~ 2:09 a.m.

damn cow...i tried to write a children's story...

i wrote a whole story in my head about that one cow. here is part of it...

his christian name was flaghurty of jupiter.

see, cow jumping is fun. they enjoy it. i liken it to the olympics. each planetary cow selection committee evaluates all calves, selects the best athlete...and then trains the hell out them. run fast...jump far.

like every prime athletic organization, cow jumping has a variety of players. (see section 97, subsection A, paragraph 3 of the NCJA handbook regarding athlete ratios)

flaghurty was a team player. he threw his full weight in to his training and was always willing to give up his space at the water trough. everyone knew that flaghurty was great, but that he would never actually represent the Jupitarian Cows in the big event.

this particular year, being 1910, everyone was celebrating. the games were extended. 87 cows had jumped across the moon that month, much to every small child's delight. by luck of the draw, the jupes were the closing act. the three cows representing jupiter had planned for this and were practicing their moves for the finale while everyone else was getting really drunk. right about then, when everyone was good and drunk, ferdinand (jupe cow)overshot his practice jump and fell off the side. as his lonely "moooo" travelled through space, it was hushed by the trumpet announcing the beginning of the final act. judges were called and everyone was horrified at what had happened...too horrified to play in the games. so they postponed the games again to grieve for ferdinand the forever-flying cow and drink some more. it was then, after his fifth barrel of whiskey and wheat mash, that flaghurty stood up. he walked with purpose towards the door. then he tripped and stumbled and it took him a while to get all four of his legs untangled. but when he did...he was back up. he mooo'd to his comrades and they followed him. drunk curiosity makes people do stupid things. the trumpetter came forth and blew out some noises and then...bubbles. but the cows cheered wildly anyway because drunk cows cheer wildly at almost anything. then a hush settled over the crowd.

flaghurty started backing up...

he had taken it upon himself, for honor, to make this jump...to make it not just for him for ferdinand and all of the galaxy as well.

somewhere in the back of the crowd old cow moorison said something about distance and relativity and a full moon...but no one was listening to the old cow geezer.

and so flaghurty started running...and he ran and ran...and then he jumped.

and flaghurty flew/floated through time and space and across the surface of the moon...and he was amazed at how beautiful it was. so amazed that it took some time for him to realize that the moon was much longer than the practice simulator he had spent his life in. and he had no training for this. they train you on what to do if you overjump so that you don't float away like ferdinand. but not this...this wasn't possible. he had gained the proper speed and jumped just right. everyone was still watching and cheering like mad. and he was still flying...besides, he was drunk and probably smoking crack.

surely he wasn't falling.

no denying it. he was not falling, but plummeting. the man on the moon closed his eyes and prayed for his nose as the four-legged flying thing came crashing towards him.

and then it happened. and it missed the man's nose...but it did leave a sizeable crator.

and it horrified small children everywhere.

and cows learned a good lesson, though they were too fucked up on hardcore narcotics shipped in from the west to really get it...no cow has ever tried to jump across a full moon since.

but right now. right now is ideal cow jumping time. have fun!

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