required meds
2003-08-11 ~ 9:31 a.m.

the bill collectors are fucking nuts.

and i have come to realize that i no longer care.

that the american dream is dead and burned even if i am young...and i simply do not care.

there is something about losing everything. not the money or even the sanity...more like pride.

purpose.

but you can't take that. even if i don't care.

this morning i woke up after she left. not sure why. certainly did not want to. but without the meds...sleeping will become increasingly more difficult. (did anyone think that was possible? *grin*)

today i want closeness. and it is gone to work.

i am light-headed and nauseated. i have been giving it a few days to see if it would improve, but it seems to be getting worse.

maybe i am not eating enough...i do not know. all i want is salad and brocoli rice casserole anyway. maybe mashed potatoes and rice and gravy if i were to get on a roll.

i wish that i wasn't so sad. that i did not feel so guilty.

you know...i am just a little emotionally overcooked. i will be okay when it cools down a little.

the smell of fall is already emerging.

instead of expecting money to grow on trees...why don't we just pay for everything with leaves?

..."this is the noise that keeps me awake...my head explodes and my body aches..."

i don't think that i can be unmedicated.

i have watched it now for just a few days. no remarkable withdrawal symptoms, but my emotions flew the coop and are now running around headless in the yard. so...meds are probably the long term committment i thought they were.

and how can you look at it...and not ask what you did? i can't and maybe that is my undoing.

but my shirt smells like fabric softener...maybe that will at least get me off the ledge.

i hope you are having a good day. even if you don't sign my guestbook. (thank you mr. grimmm!)

take care.

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