don't write anymore
2003-09-25 ~ 10:52 p.m.

i wrote a song a long time ago called "my self contained room".

obviously, not a big hit. i imagine hester remembers it. not exactly my best work. but i have a thing for refrains.

i like refrains. is that even the right word? oh well.

tonight shannon asked me why i didn't write anymore.

so i talked about vicki and the burning of the book...and i never made it to "rain on a tin roof" being my best work. insult to injury.

and all of that is true. but the root of it is that i don't believe in it anymore. that i have a gift. and i don't want to do it if i don't have a gift. because then i want to find my gift and use it.

or maybe not so obvious or so deeply held. maybe it is the tangling. the snarling snag that have reached out gnarled fingers and squeezed to pump the life blood...

why say it when they have said it better?

"many red devils ran from my heart

and out upon the page,

they were so tiny the pen could mash them.

and many struggled in the ink.

it was strange

to write in this red muck

of things from my heart."

why write of things that leaden the tongue and coat the throat in a sticky-sweet erosion...all because i can't help...but want to taste.

i could write of things...but how would you ever be able to taste the real sweetness in the words without a papercut on your tongue? would it be worth it?

i have the stories of a lifetime. i know this. i have the raw abrasive honey nectar of life and love and loss in the glass beside me. the one with the ice cubes floating in it.

i wrote once about having a lifeline...of oxygen, and how it felt as though it had been cut off and i was struggling for every breath.

there you have my inspiration. my passion. the truest part of myself i have ever seen.

how do you fill a full glass without spilling over the sides and puddling only to await the swipe of the towel?

where are the signs? the break in the fenceline?

ah...but the problem there is that i doubt. and the bigger problem is that i am not even sure what i doubt anymore.

or maybe i no longer know what to believe.

or maybe i am making all of this so much more complicated than it really is...

but i have my reasons.

tomorrow is a 'milestone' i suppose. filed for bankruptcy and here it is.

don't like the word milestone. sounds ominous. like tombstone. or maybe that is a good thing. like burying the past.

only to be haunted.

and i know of being haunted.

i still see you there in the moonlight.

you call out to me from waters i have yet to see.

~vamp

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