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barenaked ladies
2004-05-15 ~ 3:55 a.m.
i am already medicated... game night was fine. everyone was late...or had to leave early. but we played cranium. our team, "the earthtones" lost. now, granted...we could have won because i had mormonism and 1951 correct, but we lost. *looks like i need to keep smoking, i still remember shit* anyway...so, 'the creamy whites' (still our team, just a second name) was beaten by "the pretty team", or "the bitches in blue"...whichever. regardless, our team came out winners as everyone on the blue team will be cleaning off blue eyeshadow for a while. that is how i justify it. it is kind of lame, but it hurt to lose...especially after our kick-ass come-back! hehehe was a good night. hester, mouse, emer, andy and comrade and i could have taken you all...i know it. heh. now...into introspection... "just have to find your passion and do it..." learn. right now. stop it. learn. what the fuck are you waiting for? oh...right. i know my passion. the trouble is that my passion... now don;t be thinking that writing is not something i can be passionate about...but writing is something i feel compelled to do in a way that i can't really define, but writing and i are at a mutual understanding right now. i need help getting started. i need a damn good editor...but i know i have the material in me. i am intense in my love of writing, no matter how badly the end result. but my passion? passion...by definition...from merriam-webster - "intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction : 5 a : ardent affection : LOVE b : a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept c : sexual desire d : an object of desire or deep interest" so then, my only glitch with passion, is that my passion is you. -- ...fulfillment. that is something i dream for in life i think. -- things are fine in the state of denmark. well, no...i have no idea how things are in denmark really. re-fried phrases. things aren't fine, but with some kind of uplifting and encouraging coaxing i just need to take a few small steps and see where i get. First things first...file my taxes. Shit. No wonder I never get started when that has to be the first step. any cpa's or tax lawyers in the audience? See...I have to file my taxes to get "back in the system"...because then i can do that one little incidental piece of paper-work that will truly forever mark me. now if i can just find a way to live for the 90-120 processing days and about four different appeals, things might look a little brighter on the basic necessity side of life. but to overcome feeling like a complete failure before the age of 30 will probably leave scars. though, even at the same time, i don't feel that so much as i fear being percieved that way. there is something that acts like bad acid reflux in people when you talk about mental illness. maybe they really are so afraid of knowing that something in them like a rubber band is stretching and that it really could just snap. i think i used to be afraid of that myself. until it happened. and i am wiser for it, or will be one day. i hope. yes, one day. going to buy an island and build tree houses. i've always wanted a tree house. if i had a million dollars... "haven't you always wanted a monkey"? now i have to listen to "A"...and laugh. laugh hard. then read perelandra until i realize i have read the same paragraph half a dozen times. sleep well, everyone*
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