the daily life
2004-06-06 ~ 10:44 p.m.

shovelling, force-feeding, stuffing...

"feeling good"...david burns.

do-nothingism. do something. do anything. and i am doing.

i have stayed busy and productive. and positive, despite myself.

haven't been high. at all. and monkey is not empty, but i am not interested. i won't admit how long it has been (years) since i went a few days without smoking a bowl...or five.

well, maybe a little interested. but not going there.

and while i won't say i have quit, i will say i am tired of it. i always told you this day would come. looks like it might be here.

and so i would like to just take a breather.

so i did. and am.

the house had a revolving door today. lots of people.

was nice. invited them all in to sit a spell.

emer stopped by and it was nice to see her. i am happy for her...i want her to be happy. we could all use a little happiness.

harvey's wife, lisa, came by and visited...and we invited her in. i know! but it was cool. and she chatted and we gleaned a lot i think.

and then shannon came by, and it was good to see her. it really was. she couldn't stay long, but maybe another time, if she wants to.

woke up this morning with the same thoughts as usual.

and i just got busy and ignored myself.

my office has been an ongoing project of mass proportions for weeks. maybe months?

time, eh.

but i am pretty much done with my office. finished up today. i think i did a fair job. considering how much shit i actually have.

my life is all filed away in a blue case, with labels. hrmm

my closet is still an unnatural disaster. but the chest has been finished for a week and all is ready. i will start that tomorrow i hope. the bathroom is actually automatically better simply with the addition of the hamper.

i am working as diligently and efficiently, while not cutting any corners or skipping any steps...working.

i am working on myself.

exactly like i said.

today, i even did better than expected. i will appreciate that and not beat myself up if i slip tomorrow. well, i probably will...but i will put some effort into not.

i wish i had words of comfort and encouragment on stormy nights or sunny days. for myself.

but it is not my vocabulary that is lacking there. it is...something else. i am on its trail.

i found a lot of my old writing last night when i was finishing that last box of papers. most of it trite and goofy...but a few things caught my eye.

mostly those things scribbled, barely legible, and starting to brown. where i almost made sense to myself and wrote something decent.

i am on my way.

fast like a turtle.

now do you get it? heh

that was a loud peal of thunder...rather shocking, even though i saw the tell-tale flash of light signifying it's coming.

which is the real arrival? the thunder or the lightening?

that one even sent hester back out here and scared the cats.

the disaster is never in nature. it is when we encroach on nature and put ourselves in it's path. that is the disaster. yes.

in other news, actually...in most of the news...

ronald reagan died.

that might not mean much to some people, especially younger people. (no insult, just truth)

Ford was president when i was born, but i don't know ford. i was a little kid.

i knew reagan. ron and nancy. he was the president when i came to understand what "president" was. when i think of president still, i think of him usually.

he ended the cold war, the race to nuclear arms. do you remember that? i recall doing drills in school, always preparing for the ussr to send the bomb and blow us all away...except we would be safe ducking and covering under our school desks. the ussr. not russia. not yet.

that was before we knew there were food lines and poverty, and desperation and an entire nation in real trouble. no, they were red commies, and we were afraid.

and andy (i think it was andy) raised a good point. ron and nancy had a great marriage, from all we have ever seen. what an interesting study to compare marriage and divorce rates amongst society between the reagan and clinton administrations.

then again, it was the 80's. bring on the credit cards and bad haircuts. damn good music though. i'm a fan, but not of the hair.

i think reagan was a fine man who accomplished a lot, and lived a good and long life. he will always be the first president i ever knew. the president of my youth.

well...i am cleaned up, sobered up...

and i guess i am going to take some xanax and read a little pratchett. i do still like pratchett.

i hope i am doing the right things. i hope i am working on me the right way. i hope a lot of things. but maybe, just maybe...

my head is a little clearer. my heart might still be lodged in my throat some days...but i do know that it shouldn't get caught on my gag reflex and get brought all the way out. and my soul is still tethered to this body...so, all in all...pretty good shape, considering.

i am not eating. that is one issue. but, like i told hester, i am not hungry. more than that, i am nauseous. food makes my stomach turn. but i did force myself to eat a little. and that is better than nothing.

i hope to spend some time with a few people this week. do some visiting.

lots more to do. still have to find a job. i will be sure to check the classifieds tomorrow.

sorry i have nothing witty or just plain good to add...

i am keeping tight reins on me and my life...holding them in hope that i don't shy away in the lightening flash and kick through some fence rails and run out in to the wild...

because that is not where i want to be.

nor do i wish to be sensible and practical either.

contacted the sensory therapy place and got such a nice response. that is so appreciated. who knows what might come of that.

mom made the trip to houston without event. she sounds tired. i hope she takes a day off soon. i hope she gets to. i wish i were a better daughter...so that somehow my parents could have better lives.

mel and kim are on my mind...have been. i worry about them. for different reasons.

are you bored yet? heh.

one more smoke and then i am out...

been working on making this place suitable for the public again. not that i have much public...but yeah. i am loyal to my few.

comrade called for a weather check. storms abound. again.

i gave the blinds a shower today...that was a fun adventure...playing in the water hose.

i also fixed the tripped gcfi (?) circuit last night so the bathroom outlets are working just fine now.

my neck muscles are tight.

i also have cramps.

i hope you are having a good night.

i am going to bed now. i haven't been sleeping well as a result of the depression, and dreams, and weather...and the damn phone calls that wake me up at early hours.

but i will give it another shot. heh.

)(

and by the way...just in case you don't know...i use the )( mark to identify myself as a free wireless advocate. not that it matters or you care...but yeah.

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