the silver string
2004-06-16 ~ 3:57 a.m.

i am not using this jouranl much anymore. not much to say as of late. been truly busy. working my ass off, which is hard to do for me.

but i have been thinking of someone a lot the last few months, worrying...and this is an update solely for her.

so, if you aren't kim...and you aren't because she doesn't remember this url...well yeah.

i went to bed over four hours ago.

usual meds, plus muscle relaxor for the soreness...

and i was reading part seven of dragon tears...it was one-ish...and i was almost out (definitely out of it). exhausted.

when the phone rang. unexpectedly. answered it on the first ring so as not to wake hester.

and...

it was the very voice i have been hoping for.

remember how i was worried?

and now...now i have ani difranco and melissa etheridge dancing together in the office.

and they are an unlikely couple, but they move with entwined grace.

tonight the silver string was used. it has been too long. i hope i held my end the right way. some things never change.

we walked down the stairs and spent some time reliving a past that seems ages ago. laughing about how young we were. how good it was.

crying over pains and hurts. trauma and borderline personalities.

jumped from tangent to tangent in the monkey trees.

i hope i helped her remember the parts of her i know so well. the best parts.

like meeting while you were putting on your shoes in a gas station parking lot. calling your boss to inform him that your brother had been killed in a freak parachuting accident. calling penaljo while you were sleeping shirtless...on top of me, and i did not know what to do. sitting in the bathtub, fully clothed. rest areas.

*please note that i am sorry i lied to your boss (though you did ask me to), wrecked your car (ooops), cheated on you (and then kissed you while terri watched out the window), and was so young*

you reminded me of my intensity and surrender. you fed my soul and a starving ego. all the parts of me i forget easily.

we talked of war and horror...trucks overturned, shooting ten year old kids because they are holding guns, bodies strewn about and stepping on someone's eye that had come out...and having to be detached just to survive.

emerging back into society after trauma, not understanding why the support is not there. why her true soul-mate doesn't initiate touch, doesn't talk, doesn't want to look...

about the anger that builds and builds and you don't know where it comes from, just that it consumed you...and you need to be reminded of who you are, shown that you are wanted, that you are lovable. you have to get through.

we talked of tattoo's and driving all night to get to someone.

all of my worries were justified. i tend to be right. i had done my research. i knew where she was. i can't know what she saw and had to do, but i am not afraid to imagine and go there. just to be an ear, or a shoulder. or a heart that always cares.

and "i will never be the same"...and i am so thankful that you taught me what real love is. that you were my first. that you set the mark high.

i hold that tight to me.

and we laughed tonight. remember that.

remember that, despite the tears and trauma and what everyone else says...we laughed and bantered. you were almost a little cocky.

and actually...you don't have to remember, because i am always here to remind you.

i think that is more important on some days/nights.

sleep tight.

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