there you are
2004-12-06 ~ 2:43 a.m.

So...I'm definitely missing the point. I know I must be.

According to the word, my cousin (slut-cousin's little sister) went out on a date with richie. and while at first....i experienced shock and awe at the age difference....it makes practical sense and while surprised i kind of smile. but relaying that bit of news to my mother was not so easy....she heard ricky. ooooh....after several minutes of "what?" and "what!".... she finally realized who i was talking about, and i finally understood that she thought two of my first cousins had gone out... and everything was fine then.

But that was other things.

I went to church today. pick yourself up off the floor.

nothing caught on fire. i had better knock on wood, and inspect my fence now.

hester and i went to church with kathy.

but let's back up...this'll be more fun that way. well, for me.

aggie happy hour. remember my mentioning that? that was fun. perhaps funny. hester and i are a side show i think. eliciting laughter and claims to independence and womanhood.

interesting.

but before that even...there was some strangeness. i normally don't mention my lesbianism, homosexuality in general, or gay phrases that much....ever. except maybe at pride, my first time. i was doing it because i was getting the strangest reaction from a friends girlfriend. that's confusing. especially considering our pre-informed knowledge that sultry woman was not inexperienced. and so...i told outrageous improper stories of wild woman behavior. she just leaned in further. we all decided to try karaoke on saturday.

my week was mired in phone support with only a brief interruption to pick up the puggy and eat dinner with the friends ... hyper speed forward to karaoke.

everything was fine. it was still interesting, but less weird. there were still a few subtle and not so subtle flashing neon signs....like watching for girl-on-girl action ... but again i refer to the lyrics of closer and how that is fine. i think the whole "magic mouth" thing will follow me a lot like "you know you like it, bitch" and the all time fave...."i like wood". and it may be noted that i have never said i had a sexy voice, and i tend to defer to comrade's comparison of my sexy voice with that of a fussy three year old. of course...it is all about how you say it and few know that as well as me. even comrade used to like this very special joke of my mine.

and oh, the singing! now...hester brought a leveling balance to the show. eh? umm...heh. in addition to liking both genders, sultry woman also felt him up on accident. and that is funny. i will not say what else was funny, because....well....there was a driver's license incident and it was a funny bummer.

we got promises in the dark and angel of the morning and she sang silent all these years for me. it was great.

so hester was pretty much the talent, but there was plenty of show. wow.

dapper little old people. crazy boy with his weed lyrics and cell phone. dancing boy(s).

mostly we drank our beers and reacted. sometimes with delight and sometimes with horror. and sometimes even attracting the attention of people on the other side of the glass....and you all watch the horror. but you cheer because it takes guts or lots of booze to get up there and do it, and they are braver than we are. or...maybe we are less dumb, but whichever perspective....

came home. was late. got up early for church. went there. was not expecting that many, so many, people. wow. interesting. have a few questions like the tithing...but not yet formulated. not really currently willing to think as much about church as about the unfurling saga. one will definitely take longer.

and so, with mathman in tow, we all went to lunch after the service. evading questions, no delving, just small talk. keep it light and observe.

and i see those qualities, and yet i still ... i don't see it. that is all. i get it in concept. she is right. the only thing that matters is how you see it. how you want it.

this brings me exactly where i wanted to be.

strange playing loop of love, life, faith, trials, life, trials, faith, life, love....

believe in yourself. know your beauty. all women. all women i know and those i have yet to meet.

you are beautiful. unfurling green petals wet with dew. you are the reason for centuries of poetry and tale.

embrace it, hug it tight...don't lose that. makes your eyes spark and flint.

don't settle. never settle. look it head on, don't turn away. demand your fairy-tale. make it so.

peel out in the gravel with jo dee messina playing loud ....

i read it, and don't know who said it....but it's true....
"wherever you go, there you are."

....these are always interesting times.

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