today
2005-05-21 ~ 5:22 p.m.

i feel absolutely justified in sitting down up here and refusing to budge until you give me the damn reason. not the reason i should move, and don't be clever talking about brisk winds and humpty dumpty either. my soul wants the answers. my heart hurts.

if you could see inside me like that, if you could know why my nerves are still shattered and my movements jerky. if you could read my mind and understand the confusion i am trapped in. then surely... surely...

nothing.

days go by at first, then weeks. then weeks become months which become years.

and after years, it is all downhill... and as for reasons, sure people will always try to have them at the ready. but the fact is, none of them are good enough.

there were plans and pictures and things you have never heard about... would just never know... will never know.

something else i was thinking about...
that whole 'no regret' thing. good concept i think, but not practical for me. fact is, we all have them. it's what we do with them that indicates strength or weakness of character - and so aside from days like this -
i treasure my regrets because they are the scars of a life lived fully on rough terrain.

i am all over. i am gone.

later.

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