clarification for strangers
2002-06-23 ~ 7:42 a.m.

today is the day i drive down in to some bad part of south dallas, check in to some nameless hotel and go for my assessment at 'the hospital'. i wonder if you should know the only reason i can do this is because you will be with me.

i think about one of my favorite fucking songs of all time...."pain lies on the riverside" by Live. That is where i am and i know it. i am on one side of a river, on this island with all my ghosts...and the only thing keeping me from crossing the river is that i am scared to swim. not literally of course, just an analogy to change. change...shiver until recently, the pain of my life has been comforting in a wacked way. at least i knew and understood it. there was no room for new hurt, or feeling at all...i was consumed with a millenia of yesterdays. i still am. but i have reached the point doc talks about. the point where what i know and what is familiar hurts worse than the unknown.

anyway...

you told me that people actually might read this, and even though that freaks me out...it is cool. but now, for anyone who isn't you, i think i need to clarify some things.

so...Hi! i suddenly feel like i am standing in front of a new hire class. that always made me nervous. ha! did you know that?

"You" in this diary will almost exclusively belong to M. i haven't asked you if i could actually use your name, or if that would be weird or something. Even if I should dissociate, the difference will be made clear.

"Me" in this diary is a myriad of me's. i write in many ways, and tend to give each emotion, each thought it's own voice.

well, for any strangers...i am a lesbian. been in a relationship that just ended for a long time. am also right in the middle of insanity, hence the 'hosptial', and even as it breaks like the dawning of today's sun...i am done with it.

you said i was special, and even though i don't believe that...i feel really special when i am close to you. i wonder about that, knowing energy the way i do. it makes me feel bad...because i have never been told i couldn't. it runs so deep, and i have to put it in to something. i am talking only about the excess energy, after i am taken care of...i am narcisstic, remember.

bah! enough clarifying.

i wrote doc a long email a few hours ago telling him i was ticked about our session. that my feelings were perfectly justified, and okay for me to have. so that will give us a place to start monday...ha

i miss you more than i should...i hope you are resting.

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