i suck
2002-07-30 ~ 6:54 p.m.

can't stop crying...and i fucking hate myself.

i fucking suck and that is all there is to it.

and part of me rages for destruction of me...of everything.

but i am just sad, and disappointed with myself. cause this is not what i wanted.

i want things to be different, and i am trying so hard to make them different...and i fall flat on my face.

fact is, i love you more than i can tell you....because i have this picture in my head of you either laughing or running...

even way back in the day, i'd wonder what it would be like to spend my nights with you instead of her...

and i hated myself for it.

i wanted to be better, to be stronger, to love who i was supposed to love...

to not do to anyone else what terri did to me. and i did it anyway. and she doesn't know. because i won't have her know. maybe i am fooling myself to think that she ever loved me, but i know she did and does...and it would hurt her. hurt her....hurt you....hurt me....god, it is my life on repeat. but i would rather die than hurt you either.

christ...i bite my tongue every time i am near you...cause i am pretty sure you don't want to hear the things i would say.

and i do lie....it is a big fucking problem, as evidenced by my failing relationships with everyone i used to know. the only person who hasn't wavered in the face of all of it is Jenna, because she understands the fucked up logic that makes me lie instinctively.

and i think....i have been really good, a real test to my thin patience....i haven't said any of those things that would make you run. and then this hits me square in the jaw and i realize i have been trying to protect too many people from me....and quite honestly, i am just not worth it.

but that is all about putting the way i feel ahead of other people....and i suck at that, unless my "feeling" is fear. but i do that with Ash, and i still do it sometimes with Terri too.

this all seems so meaningless....i feel like curling up and dying, because to ever hurt you kills me.

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