sitting in front of the fan
2002-08-02 ~ 4:46 a.m.

i am a dumbass for sitting here in my undies in front of a fan, straight out of the tub. not smart at all...

but hey...i'm the one shivering instead of turning the fan off. with that realization, the fan is going off now.

ahhh....much better.

there is so much i want to say, as always...

so much i am scared to say...

and so much i refuse to say...

but the only thought really running round in my head is whether or not i can do this.

i want to. maybe i have a reason, maybe i have motivation...maybe it is a mirage.

my nephew, trey, had a puppy when he was a boy named Sparky. Sparky was a very happy puppy...until Trey's mom ran over him. my brother said he wouldn't make it. He was in shock, eyes glassy...and i picked him up out of the dirt driveway and carried him inside anyway. damn the lack of faith, really. i sat with Sparky all night long on the tile floor of the bathroom. i held him in my lap and kept a cool rag on his puppy head. i stroked him and soothed him and did a little mental mind surgery...and by 5:30 that morning he ate, drank and licked my hand over and over. sparky was just fine the next day.

i have always been a little angry that people, due to the lameness of other people, have no faith in love. this is true of myself as well. i am the jade doormat of the world at times...but i still love and i still believe in love.

soft hands, soothing words and real affection can make all the difference.

and something different is called for here. no matter how much i argue it in my head, and deny it's existence...i am still not stupid enough to sit in front of a fan and keep shivering.

so i am going to do something...i just have no idea what.

but i think a great place to contemplate it is in bed right now...cause the softest most beautiful creature in the world is curled up there, and i get to curl up too.

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