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more on nothing
2002-08-10 ~ 6:25 a.m.
RAWR! not too bad this time...didn't come to on the floor or anything... just eating some cheetos. and it's only 6:30... i had my playlist of stevie nicks...and now i have a new song stuck in my head... You've left me now and it's seasoned my soul And with every step you take, I watch another part of you go... I continue to build a wall... You were so strong, I fell to my knees... And I don't think I can handle this at all... One more night I'd like to lie and hold you Yes and feel... To make you smile, I'd like to be there for you-- Have you forgotten me? And the days go by Doing nothing about them... How much time will I have to spend? My mind won't rest and I don't sleep Not even in my dreams... If you ever did believe, for my sake... If you ever did believe.... And the days go by Doing nothing about them... How much time will I have to spend? ...followed by lots of oooo'ing it isn't the original version by fleetwood mac though, my favorite verse wasn't in that one that i can find. i am not being very imaginative tonight...that is entirely a good thing. yeah...so... i fed the dogs some cheetos... i am sad cause i didn't finish my carrots. i like those carrots at that place. i have to lay low for a while and i don;t care i am tired i really want some scrambled eggs my daddy is awake and i could call him and tell him that i miss scrambled eggs fuck me....... cooperation...there is a definitively audible "hiss" when i say that word. scrambled eggs...kind of like my brains. i know i shouldn't feel this way....i know it. but it doesn't change the fact that i do. from the minute i took that stupid 300 question test and got the graphs, i have been overwhelmed. how am i ever supposed to be able to live this way? if it were just someone rational... i remember my last real day at work so vividly...and can't even talk about it without tears welling up. i knew where i was and that things needed to be done...but all the knowledge about how to do my job, even how to turn on my computer...everything and anything was just gone. poof. vanished. i was reading through some of the mounds of paperwork and saw that doc said i was making progress on one of my forms. since last november i have picked back up on a few old habits... i wake up in the middle of the floor, writhing and covered in sweat and end up making a tent out of quilts and chairs... i barricade the doors with laundry baskets and boxes... my throat closes and i try to scream her name anyway... i gravitate to the fetal position... i cry if i don't have chocolate milk... these and more are what dominate most of the 'other' time now and how am i supposed to manage this? i want a little orange kitten and if i want to name him squirrel then i will. i wish i could curl up somewhere safe. wonder what its like to be a little kitten. there are shadows in here that scare me. i am trying to be really good with my spelling. i always hated punctuation though. always, yep. why, on the green earth of yesterday, would we be so asinine as to give our sentences rules? i made some new rules, speaking of. you get what you want. that is the first rule, and it is a good one. only hitch is that in order to assure it can happen, it needs to be within my power. sorry about the limitations. the sun is up so i will venture into the back of the house soon and hide under my comforter for a while. i think the cheetos thing was a really bad idea...ugh. i need to write down my shopping list really quick. don't let me forget these things: MILK stuff to make dinner for everyone and enough detergent stuff for laundry and dishes and such. another fan for the case a 400 watt power supply...the 350 isn't gonna cut it female ps2 to usb (they must make one, but i only have the male) exchange the faulty stick of ram ask when the ddr 333 will be around and affordable get you whatever you want see about getting a smaller motherboard/processor combo to upgrade the other computer and finish up that business sleep...there is screaming in my head... and part of me does want to run away...to not be noble...to try to escape. but i only want to do it with you.
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