disorientation and rain
2002-08-10 ~ 3:01 p.m.

there is a really foul taste in the back of my throat...

she woke me up with something about coming to get me...

i am worried. i do so hate to leave.

especially now...upheaval is all around.

she said i should take a shower and get dressed...

i prefer to remain in my skivvies for right this minute.

i remember my dreams...and apparently i remember some other things.

and i imagine it will all come back to me...in punishing images before the day is done.

i fucking hate the rain...

the rain, like no other natural force, makes me want to crawl in to a hole and die. and i am doubly pissed that it doesn't feel cleaning to me...that it brings my demons, not washes them away.

animal eyes....yep.

the fear, the confusion, the bubbling panic right below the surface...being trapped or in danger brings this out.

and everywhere i look there is danger...

danger will robinson, danger...

perhaps i would feel better if i had a giant robot with laser guns following me around all the time?

i just freaked myself out even further with that.

i have toad the wet sprocket now....soothing, like aloe.

"in the end we'll stop and breathe in forever"

i can't figure out if the walls are falling or growing.

"it's not over....it's not over..."

i am downloading all the new tori i can find.

i want to bash my head in to a wall.

why is it too much to ask to be in control of myself?

no head in the wall...i want to curl up under something safe and fall asleep.

no...none of that. i just want some chocolate milk. and to figure out why i feel so little so much.

i was going to leave the crying alone for now...

and i would ask god to help me, but apparently he already has.

i hate feeling this lost and disoriented. i am going to go sit in the corner for a while.

before i go....hey jim, i am gonna take the private entry thing away. yep.

put your words out there man...let them all know you are a rockstar!

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