straight up midnight...the witching hour

~Adrenaline, screaming out your name

Adrenaline, you don't even feel the pain

Wilder than you wildest dreams

You taste adrenaline~

and all i really taste is blood...coppery, yes. but my blood tastes funny i think.

my jaw won't unclench...not cooperating.

but i 'membered something.

the dreams that kick my ass...the dreams that leave me confused and broken and almost too scared to reach out at all...

they aren't my standard nightmares. and it was just a dream....just a dream.

and honestly, they just shouldn't affect me the way i do. dreams about being impaled in weird sacrifices are more acceptable than this. and it just reminds me of my issues...er, events.

i haven't dreamed a dream like this in almost exactly 3 years. not to this extent.

and i am sitting here begging for that other dream now...afterall, is it really my past i struggle with or how i feel my past has damaged me and left me incapable of a future?

i checked the garage to make sure the dune buggie wasn't there.

my nose has almost stopped bleeding. my jaw is throbbing.

and i hate that i can be reduced to this in a few hours of sleep.

so i called her cause i didn't know what else to do. i am stupid...i have to check. she was nice, even if i did wake her up. she said to do something crafty...and maybe when i can move again i will try.

so doc and i had an interesting talk today. he said i was too non-chalant. i smiled. i said he attacked my parents character, and i didn't like that. he said my biggest problem was grief. he doesn't exactly win a medal for his intuition there.

grief, guilt, 'depression', fear of abandonment, not being loved, not mattering to someone, being unimportant, being left behind, not being included, this would be a really long list. and they aren't exactly cognitive distortions because they really happened...at least i think that is what he said while he was confusing the hell out of me. and that makes it harder somehow? sounds like a negative reinforcement issue to me. sounds like i am too much trouble to be worth the effort.

and i am going in to my head now doc...so sorry. *wiping up sarcasm*

avoidance? no sir...pacing and containing...pacing and containing.

of course i am smart enough to grasp a crucial element here. and this one might just be important...so i will put it here and come back to it.

doc said something that pissed me off weeks ago...something about my father. about how i loved to listen to his scary stories. to an extent greater than most kids. same reason i like horror movies and books. so, taking that thought and running...i wonder if i do that because the horror there is so much easier to deal with than the huge gaping emotional wounds. i wonder if that is true.

i am not quite as panicky. my jaw is still set, but my nose is not trickling copper. my head is pounding and i feel like i did before i went to sleep...like i haven't slept for shit in days. go figure.

*one oddity worth mentioning....jc had a bit role in this dream. apparently he was having a party. that is almost funny.

...previously... ~ ...next...