well, it is today...and i am still waiting.

waiting for these feelings to leave me.

waiting for the insecurities, the tugging on my spine, the fear, the panic...all of it, to leave.

but it won't, and i can't talk about it. can't take the risk that someone might get upset...that i would dig myself deeper in to a place i don't want to be.

and this is where my neediness surfaces...and this is where i get no affirmation. because i can't ask for it...and don't deserve it.

and so i sit here, enveloped in the same cold sweat, struggling to not be this again. but already i realize that i have accepted it. that my rage is just a distraction from the truth.

and the truth...well, who ever wants to face that?

fact is...i am scared. of what?

don't try to be sly...i said i couldn't talk about it.

scared of going home...yes. too many memories, too empty.

scared of love...yes. scared that i can't give enough, or the right kind. scared that when push comes to shove, i won't be invited to the wedding. or something twisted like that.

one of my dreams...of the many that came and went over the course of yesterday/today was this:

i was teaching a class...and had to get to the classroom. but i stopped to get a few things at a store...and i ended up with this huge, heavy bag...and no way to get to the school. but someone else had come over while i was getting the stuff, and i got forgot about and left there. and it started raining...and so i am trying to carry this huge bag of stuff and walk down the highway. and finally my arms just give out and so i sit down on the side of the road...and then my ride drives by and everyone in it is happy and busy and so they don't see me. and so i get angry and i drag this damn bag all the way to the school...where i get yelled at for being late because they were counting on me. and so i leave...i go back out in to the rain and i find my truck and squeal the tires driving away. and then i realize that there are still people in the truck...and they are yelling at me too...and i slam on the brakes and then i hydroplane and hit some concrete barricade that wasn't there two seconds ago. but the airbag doesn't deploy...so i get out of the truck and just start walking...walking down the road to home...crying in the rain. and the other people drive the truck away.

and how is it that stupid dreams like this and the myriad of others leave me the way they do? why do i end up wishing for my nightmares back?

i remember the last time i had dreams like this and felt the way i do. over 3 years ago...and i am not stupid. i can put the pieces together. i remember what happened that day...how i called blondie sobbing...how i asked if she was eating ice cream. how she started to laugh and then realized that might be a bad idea. how i never explained to her why that ever happened.

because my deepest fears aren't cognitive distortions...they are a replay of my life. they are the reason i run from my feelings...why i dissociate. why i end up snivelling and too needy to be loved at all. because who has the time, patience and the desire to help me with this? and how do i fix it myself when the only reason i feel this way at all is dependant on other people?

the answer used to be to seperate myself completely from everyone and everything. and i could do that again, and it wouldn't be too hard...it just isn't what i wanted to have to do again.

it is one thing to choose to be alone, it is another to be left standing in the rain.

but please understand...this is not what has happened...it is just my fear of what will happen. because it is what has happened every time i care.

it is what has driven me to this place i sit in as an adult...unwilling to love, too afraid to trust, too hesitant to speak up...

and so i sit here consumed by the expanse of my life...at a loss with what to do.

of course, i am sure this is all doc's fault...for saying the things he said yesterday.

what a stupid dream...the whole day/night was just fucked up.

and i hear what my little mind is screaming...i do, and i know what it is and what it means...but what am i supposed to do? how am i supposed to feel? doesn't it make sense to anyone but me?

i wrote blondie a letter once...when i broke up with her a long time ago...about priorities and where i fit in and how i just couldn't settle...

and she laughed...said i had settled for so much less all my life. and i raged...because it was never me that settled...it is what i got. it is even what i got from my parents, yes doc. aren't you proud of me?

and so i am going there tomorrow...and she is going with me. and now my insecurities about that resurface. because i never took people home much. dad was too drunk, mom was too mom...terri and ashley have both gone there...and terri still makes fun of my parents. ashley, well....yeah. at least until she realized that the man in the old clothes talking to my mom in her store was a multi-millionaire. shit, he was just slut-trisha's uncle to me.

leaving tomorrow...going away.

and i don't even have to wear red glittery shoes...

*waving*

well....that was an interesting experience...shoving a ten guage through her septum...and she is cackling, and my nipples are rather tender.

i will have my laptop, so i shall not be cut off from all that is civilized...but i might not use it, we shall see.

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