must see tv night
2002-11-08 ~ 2:00 a.m.

i wonder what would happen if i were to walk out of the front door right now...

and just keep going.

i remember this conversation so vividly...

"you know, have you ever thought about killing some you know? you know, just knocking on their door and saying "hey, it's your friend so and so'...and then just killing them?"

very few people have minds like yours, my friend.

i worked on a story for quite a while last night it is about my friend, refinnej. it is going to be long i fear.

tonight was a nice, laid back kind of night. i woke up late, way late...after not getting to bed until a little after 11 this morning. the blue pill just didn't work...

of course, i was still in my pajamas and talking to comrade when jo got here. i cleaned up and found clothes, fixed the satellite reception and got the fire going...we smoked a crayon and chatted on while watching "must see tv"...

then mouse got here...and i made tacos and we ate and watched tv and chatted...

and then jo had to go and then mouse and i chatted, and then we came in here to look over this place...and then mouse went home...

and then trey came over...and we chatted and he just left...

no wonder my damn jaw hurts...i never chat this much in a single day.

i thought about trying to explain parts of last night...this morning...there is no explaining to be had...

i don't know when i slipped...

whether it was the drinks, or the "sixth sense" conversation, or "black and white" swirling out of my speakers...or all of this and a little more.

i do know that i had already dropped the knife or was about to when comrade came in to the kitchen...that the release i wanted i did not get...even when the blade hit my skin.

that when i got her out of the room i tossed its beautifully serrated self in to the sink and walked away...

i am sorry for that. i don't like being "messy" around other people...

i wish that the muddled combination of hurt-guilt-grief that is me were more readily held together by things such as duct tape and superglue.

but we are doing good thus far. and the concept of the "normal life" is pestering me. because that is not at all what i want right now. i want to explore a few new continents before i decide where to land and pick up that pesky thing they call a "normal life"...

and that part of it is not at all distraction...

that part is about me actually doing something for me...

that part is about a smile that comes more readily these days. a part of me that can almost stand up straight.

all in my own time...

tomorrow is a big day...lots of things to get done, lots of things to do...

tonight i want to cuddle...

and i wasn't kidding about this...

apparently, i really can be "that naive"...

i really don't get the "signs"...i need things done in exagerration...i need bifocals, or at least a damn manual.

i remember 'playing eyes' with bekka one night at a bar...and i would never have thought or done a thing about it if she hadn't mentioned it. if she hadn't...

i think i need some serious tutelage here...

so if you happen to read this and notice i am missing some big, obvious sign...slap me and push me towards it. yeah?

conversely, the whole grabbing of the shirt and pulling thing works well too...well, depending on who is pulling of course...

i have new terry pratchett...and an entire room to clean out...

i need to reign my free-wandering mind in and get something done or sleep...

more later

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