a trip to the mall on friday the 13th...
2002-12-14 ~ 3:28 a.m.

the thought is appealing to me, to my very senses and sensibilities...

it is odd when the world stops becoming surreal and jolts back in to vivid color.

strangely enough, it reminds me of being home. reminds me of how alert i tend to be there, how i put forth conscious effort to be aware...but there is no weirdness here.

tonight was the bar...it was an odd night. an interesting mix of people for a friday night.

and earlier today?

ha ha ha

today i, your helpless...hapless...agoraphobic narrator went to the mall.

gods!

what a nightmare throng of people...

but i needed some things. things were needed. and so...

to every major and minor department store in the mall.

i had the watch fixed and then had a delightful conversation with my mother and aunt debbie on the phone while standing in shock at victoria's secret...

"how tight are the pants"?

and so i have new additions to my little wardrobe of under garments...with significantly less material.

holy shit...i really am vague. you know you are vague when you are explaining that you had to buy a damn thong because the pants for the tight ass tux jacket thing are really "snug"... and yet it isn't vague so much as my butch sensibilities taking over and arguing that no sensible "diesel dyke" would not only be owning but also planning to wear one of those...or maybe i am just feeling shy.

and so we have...

one black jacket...one pair of black pants...one red shirt thing they convinced me to get...the newly required black thong...the black bra thing that makes my tits a chin rest...the boots with the "fuck me" heels...

i think i might suddenly be afraid to leave my house.

and what of my butch sensibilities walking away on inches of "fuck me"?

you enjoyed that image...i know you did.

and yet i know better, which is why i not only can...but will pull it off.

because that, my dear, has nothing to do with the way you look. it has to do with who you are and how you feel.

it will be an interesting night, i am looking forward to it. and i am sorry about that other thing...i really am.

i have to go to bed...or just sit here a while longer.

or i will just take my meds and wait till i get talkative. *grin*

stay warm and sleep well...

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