wtf
2002-07-04 ~ 2:03 a.m.

Paneled walls, brown

Overstuffed plastic recliner

Sitting in one corner.

Bright red bean bag

Sprawled on the floor.

Odors of sour milk and boiled

Cabbage wafting through the air.

Flowered wallpaper, yellow

Water stains on the ceiling.

Dirt lodged in the cracks

Of the tiled floor.

Rusty pipes glaring from

Under the chipped sink.

Mildew and mold busy

Bathing in the tub.

Plaster walls, white

Comforter on a big bed

Beside a little window

That let in tainted light.

Brown closet door with a

Broken mirror on it.

Pinups from Playboy

Scattered over the walls.

The baby-sitter's house

Where I spent every day.

Breathing foul musty air

Sitting amidst sin and decay.

And because the outside was

Pretty and clean

Mommy said it was okay.

But she never went inside...

i lost my focus....if i ever really had it.

somewhere glass shatters, somewhere a scream goes on forever, somewhere i am dead and none of this matters. somewhere things are easier for everyone around me, because i am not here.

for real now, what the fuck? i can't freaking remember when i last updated this thing, or what i updated it with. oh well...it is all probably different now.

take my mom...no, really...take her! haha i did my fucking homework doc, you happy? she said she had never done anything right, from the very beginning. that i needed to watch myself, lots of bad spirits and such. no "i'm sorry"...but the point was made. and once again, i am powerless and i just feel bad for putting her through this. biological connections can really rip you apart.

but dig it mom, any way you look at it...i am still crazy.

even if you conveniently 'forget' about the hospital...there is still:

work...work, what? i am sorry...did someone say something?

relationships...bahahaha! i am sorry for spewing water on the screen, really. go ahead...wish for me to find a man and be happy all you want. fact is, i am fucking unlovable. i am second choice, i have the worst fucking timing and luck of anyone in the world, this feeling of being alone again... i wonder if i can make it till friday without being convinced to lock myself back up...and stay there a while.

there is one who sends me hearts with wings, who is saying the 'L' word more loosely......i am in love with a mystery, a sense of something remebered and forgotten, the beautiful soft skin and curves of her.....i would give my soul to believe you love me. to believe i can be loved.

tonight i want to drown in meds and memories, friends, haunts, happy days...nothing.

i do an awful lot of wishing...

maybe that is my problem.

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