really long...and windy
2002-07-06 ~ 3:05 a.m.

i keep pushing the envelope...i need to remember i brought this on myself. i made choices to say what i had to say and be done with it...to let the chips fall. fuck, i hate refried phrases.

so it has been a bad day/night...not the first, and all is well here.

my eyes are a little red, my thoughts a little scattered. the shadows are more active tonight, the screaming getting louder. and part of me is screaming back that the voice is mine, but it's not mine. my arms have looked a little better...

"Are you safe?", out of the fog.

You betcha.

i have to pick up my jacket from the cleaners.

i kind of hope you don't read this...i hate it when i make a mess.

but on a side note, if you do...ummm, i kind of need some help tightening my balls. eeek, the ones attached to the stud thing in my tongue...which is not quite as swollen, but i think i have a newly acquired speech impediment. i am lisping all over the place....wheeeee

hehehe...so, what syllables can i not say? sorry, personal inventory time.

tr....impossible

r....why does this sound like h?

L or LL...how did i ever do that?

k or hard c...definitely a th sound

bahhhhh....tongue mad. we'll try vowels later. hehe

alrighty....so now i am a mental patient who really can't say her own name. have i said fuck recently? ha ha "FUTH" "FUTH"

this is fun...short memory, the upside to manic. tears streaming down my face i am laughing so hard right now...

i over explain...i over talk it, i drown it in verbage...what else to do with it? the english teacher, who would be happy to see me cite my sources whenever i quoted hester, but once told me that i should aim for this goal with my writing:

write to reveal a message, not to smother it in vague and cryptic verbage. i still fight this one.

dig this...all of the above and my whole thought pattern revolved around me wanting to express a single want/need/wish....and i had that much futhing trouble with it. whoaaaa

i am for all intents and purposes freaking out over saying that i miss you... i miss mel. in a big kind of way. and there is a big fight going on over this...and i am a tad mystefied. i can tell you i love you...i love mel...gonna take you on a date...i can even kind of hum it and dance along. this is a different, yet equally disturbing aspect.

but of course i understand the turmoil...the uprising of you being missed. and i am trying to be something different...something better, while i am still bloody from the unburdening...i will not allow myself anything but honesty with you. but i am scared of what it means. doc gave me a new adjective to chew on today...he called me gamy (gamey). he's right. i play games all the time, whether i know it or not. life is like a big chess board...and i know i manipulate people, even when i don't mean to. and he said this in reference to dante's interactions with me, or ego states, or what the futhever they are. but i thought you and i already discussed this? and i have been worried all day, trying to analyze the unexplained. and doc asked me outright if i had a more cut and dry version than he thought....and i said no. what else do i say? do i actually say how nuts i am...even though i don't know why i feel this way, i just have always known i was crazy?

side note....watched a beautiful mind....can't watch it again. am reading first person plural by cameron west...a real struggle to get through. these two men, both strong in their own rights...neither strong enough to do it on their own. i should try to read...need to do something. my index finger still feels dead. ash came home and found me cold...interrupted me, but i made eggs and it was okay. but i was cold...it was funny, the look on her face...like it was the first time she had ever held my hands and realized that they really do get cold. i am thinking my meds are working....cause i am rambling....

but i want to tell you things....and i should probably shut up now. i told you...i talk too much.

you left your sweater here and i think you meant to take it...want me to bring it to you?

8....8 is an important number. gping to bed now....mel, i love you and i am sorry i ramble and talk too much, but i love you and miss you anyway.

i want to go hat shopping...can we go hat shopping?

the meds are pulling and i am fighting...scared to sleep tonight.

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