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Fall on Me
2002-07-17 ~ 6:14 a.m.
fuck it...really, just fuck it. i thought about trying to stay 'grounded'...and i put in tool and rush and nin and so what if i spiral? i am in a very fuckable position right now...and i know it will happen, i feel it. and understand, i would rather die than go through this shit again. i see the pattern, i see the fucking cycles. and i know if i leave it alone that i will die. that is the death i saw, the one i was warned of. but...that gives me until i am 32, which is 5 years or so. i have two kids by then, little boy is 3 and the little girl is just over 1. and that would be great, but i die. i have seen it more than once. and fuck anyone who says it is wrong or that i couldn't know that. fact is, i do. and with that knowledge, i made the choice to get better. i made the choice to beat this overwhelming shit that is/was my life. and oh...i have untangled and unravelled and i come bearing gifts, even though the blood from this battle is still wet on my skin. and the door will slam shut and i will be here, in my own here. and my own here is hell. i have wishes and wants and needs and desires... and even my own private hell, with screenings all day and night. and the whole of my undoing, i fear, will be me left with me. cause i hate me...fucking hate me. and from the fog..."journal to the 'bad' part. and say what? that it is fucking right? that ash is right. that dionne was right in telling ash to get away from me. cause i am useless as a girlfriend, and useless as a person, and just fucking useless. a lemon. always sick, always crazy, with an unbelievable amount of rage just below the surface. i always talk in the wrong tone, i snap when i don't mean to...i am too sensitive, too needy. yes, yes i know! i fucking know already just how bad i am. i'm gonna crash this car, smash it to tiny bits. and i will not be unscathed this time. i have already invested too much. money? don't be daft. i despise money, it is a needed evil in an already evil world. nope, i invested so much more this time. i invested my heart...and more than just a sliver of my mind. dar williams is helping michael stipe sing "fall on me"... There's a problem, feathers iron Bargain buildings, weights and pullies Feathers hit the ground before the weight can leave the air Buy the sky and sell the sky and tell the sky and tell the sky Don't fall on me (What is it up in the air for) (It's gonna fall) Fall on me (If it's there for long) (It's gonna fall) Fall on me (It's over it's over me) (It's gonna fall) There's the progress we have found (when the rain) A way to talk around the problem (when the children reign) Building towered foresight (keep your conscience in the dark) isn't anything at all (melt the statues in the park) Buy the sky and sell the sky and bleed the sky and tell the sky (repeat chorus) Don't fall on me Well I could keep it above But then it wouldn't be sky anymore So if I send it to you you've got to promise to keep it whole Buy the sky and sell the sky and lift your arms up to the sky And ask the sky and ask the sky it is a good fucking song...even if my meds aren't working. KMFDM is singing "Fuck Me" now...another good song. odd mix to have it fall after "fall on me", but hey....go figure, i put the playlist together.
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