my fucking homework
2002-07-18 ~ 9:54 p.m.

the well...

this is my therapy homework assignment. might not be that interesting to read, but i like writing here better than any other place right now.

the assignment from Doc:

explore, excavate, use all possible means of exploration to create visual images of the well at the back of the property.

so i got distracted....i decided to look up pictures and see if i could find an actual image of a well that looks like mine. i didn't....

cause i am five seconds away from really freaking out. talon is my lap, and that helps...but fuck me!!! this layout of this property that i have carried in my mind for so long....i was wrong about it. i was really, really wrong. on a fundamental level. and i haven't discussed this with "the house", and i may be way off in left field...but something clicked. it clicked and my mind would boom, again.

it's where i grew up. i have never wanted to see that. that is why i never want to put the well in the picture...because the well is the obvious link. the shed/barn could be most anything in my pictures....but the well gives it away. we had a water well, in the back right corner of the acre the house was on. it wasn't like the one i draw, because the one i draw and see is distorted by fear and anger and hurt....but it is the well alright. i felt the connection. and that pisses me off. the house is different, because the house is not the same. the house lives and breathes. the house is me. but the property it is on is stagnant. it changes, but only in ethereal ways...like a ghostly apparition might change appearance. but there are three things that are constant. the shed/barn behind the house, the wolf tied up in front of it to keep me away. and the well. and i am supposed to explain that well.

let me start with the real one and move to the 'mind' one. the real one is back behind and off to the right side of the house. the bushes grow up really high, but you can see the well itself. it is tall and silver. i never went back there as a child. there was an old school bus back there that was haunted, and i always knew there were snakes around the well...just knew it.

the well in my mind is different. it is not very tall...just a few feet of dirty stone that form a round wall. there is no place for a bucket to draw water up...it is just a hole. a dark hole. it's getting colder in here. the walls are dry and cool near the top, but not far down they get slimy. the stench of death is everywhere. you wanted to know Doc, and i tried to tell you. there are bodies down there. lots and lots of little bodies. all sludgy and decomposing. but they still scream. it makes no sense, no sense. but they do. and i am glad the well is so far back, cause i don't want to hear it anymore. and i thought about going down there to get better pictures, but they will reach out and grab me and pull me into the sludge until it fills my mouth and nose and ears and i will be there forever with the rest of them. Grrrrrrr

there is no water to the house from that well, but maybe there is. there is only one bathroom, in the steel walled master suite. it is below ground, but it is sound proof when you want it to be. there is a bathroom there, and it is very clean. i have never tried to run water...i don't think i will try. cause i don't want the black sludge in the house...please. it is too clean and white for it to crawl in the tub. but maybe sometimes, late at night, someone goes down there and does run the water...and they let the screams back in and they drink the sludge. but that makes no sense because the door locks from the inside only. and i am not staying in the safe room anymore anyway, i have been sitting on the couch for an impossibly long time....watching. and things are fucked up around here, just so you know.

that was a bad move, exploring the well. there was never going to be a connection between the real land and the "mind" land. you have to watch that doc, because land like that breathes shallow, raspy death breaths...and it always knows you. and now another door has been wrenched open and we had no say, and you should understand that we know what is best. have always known what is best.

and i feel really blah now...and i am tired. no rest, but still tired. wait, that makes sense. but in my head when i typed it it made a different kind of sense. cause i am always alert, always aware...and that isn't true at all! and now there is another argument in my head. and i am pissed off about the well. and i am more pissed off about the shed/barn. the thing that is always constant in the pictures....but never takes its true form. and the long wooden pathways from one shanty to the next that i see sometimes....that is the walkway in that barn. a narrow, dark, planked walkway...with a little room at the end. but no one will ever know cause it was all torn down.

they tore down all of it. now it is just the land...and i hate that land. that land has tasted my blood and wants more.

i left ash and jo in the living room. i came in here and turned off the lights and got some rage against the machine and here i am. that just happened though...so here i have been a while i guess.

and it will be friday in a few hours and then saturday and then maybe sunday...and then time will stop. cause i will be alone again. and that scares the shit out of me. because being alone with myself is not safe. and while i can admit that, there is nothing to be done about it. i can't hold on to someone i am not in love with just because i am scared. i can't make someone be in love with me when they love others. and terri understands this now. you can love more than one person...but when you profess to be in love with more than one...badness happens. and so i won't be those things. i want to be true to that which i can't readily explain. i want to love all, and be in love with the one person my heart chooses...and i don't want to be so scared of being alone with myself and my demons.

at least one part of me would like to live...

and several would like for me to die...

and the countdown is nearing it's end and then the fight will begin and who knows who will win this time. i suppose if i have run out of divine interventions, that i am screwed.

and you sound like a snivelling child. i am a mountain and it will all be okay. things will not fall apart, my grip is iron.

ash wrote me a letter. wanted me to know she was sorry. wanted to tell me she was sorry for insisting on talking to Doc, and that her doing that was a bad move. she also wanted mel to know she likes her alot and is thankful she is in my life, and she is sorry about the jealousy.

i get letters like that sometime...and i hold on to them. cause in a few hours or days she will change her mind and be pissed and make me feel like shit again....and then i will go later and find the letter and try to tell myself that the letter is how she really feels and i am not the lame-ass she makes me think i am.

sometimes it works....if i can remember where i stash the letters.

i think mel should have been here a while ago...i hope everything is okay.

i wish i could show, tell, somehow express what she means to me.

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